So….it’s been a while since I posted a blog. GASP. For all those wondering where all my ramblings were, they’ve been in my brain…where they probably should stay. I could see myself getting into the habit of keeping it in my brain due to exhaustion. But I know that’s not fair to those wondering how my life is going over here. And because I’ve gotten a lot of complaints about there being no blog…. -_-
Alas. I am a people pleaser. So here it is. My: It’s my second month here blog! Just a few thoughts on that…
Wow…it’s been a month since I’ve heard fluent English.
It’s been a month since I’ve used a dryer.
It’s been a month since I’ve seen a dryer. Or microwave.
It’s been over a month since I’ve worn makeup.
It’s been a month since I’ve had any type of Hispanic deliciousness.
It’s been a month since I’ve seen (in person) my boyfriend and family back home.
And much, much more. There’s been a lot on my mind lately. The fact that day by day I am slowly going the longest I have ever been away from home seems to dominate my mind lately. That is, when I’m not consumed with the life that is lesson planning. I’ve come to respect all the teachers that I’ve had in my life, even the ones I didn’t particularly like or thought that they shouldn’t have been a teacher. Because now, I can understand why they were so grumpy all the time. The time and devotion it takes to plan one class period is intense. I wish I could go back to being the student who only had to listen. I had my first dream of strangling a student the other week…lol. I wonder if that’s a dream that all teachers have at one point, or if I’m just crazy…
All in all, teaching is crazy and exhausting but it’s an accomplishment all in its own. I can come up with lesson after lesson for every week. I don’t know where I get this stuff. Just kidding. The teacher’s book tells me what to do haha. I just try to make it as interesting and interactive as I can. I’ve realized that the worships and prayer I was able to have at the beginning of every class I’ve ever been in is just another something I’ve taken for granted. I can’t do that with any of my classes. I pray alone, minutes before classes. But my classes are for the most part, good. And my students like me. I think.
I’ve lost weight which I guess is a good thing. Everything food related in stores is such a smaller portion than what you’d usually buy in an American store, it’s insane. And coming from a family who’s always loved Sam’s and Costco, it is definitely an adjustment. But just this one thing, portion control, is already teaching me to not be such a pig. Even if I wanted to be, the McDonald’s in town is wayyyy too far to go to on the daily. Thank you, laziness.
One thing I’ve come to realize is that things are different here but inherently the same, if that makes sense. We’re all people. We all use the same words. They just sound ridiculously different. We all have the same emotions. We all live a life. The plots may be drastically different but we are all equal. We are all just trying to figure out what works best. Since I’ve been here, this is probably the most I’ve been in tune with news going on around the world, and it makes me so…depressed. “You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places.” – Matthew 24: 6-7. I’m so tired of this world. I’m so tired of sin and its cruelty. But I am trying not to be alarmed because there is an endgame to all of this pointless, self-inflicted suffering. Because, “Immediately after the distress of those days
“The sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; The stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.”
At that time the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the sky, and all the nations of the earth will mourn. They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory. And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other.” Matt. 24: 29-31. There is an endgame. Thank you Jesus, there is an endgame.
Well. I don’t have anything that thought provoking or life changing. Other than the fact that my life is totally different than what I’d ever expected. I’m trying to be thankful for everything that happens in my life. I’m just living life one day at a time, as it comes. Moving right along…
The world through my eyes. It’s all just a blur with startling moments of clarity in between. (On the shuttle to Koszalin every Thurs.)
I’ve heard from a little birdie…(my mom)…that my blogs are read quite often and that I have a certain following of people that keep up with my blog, ask for my blog site, have my blog read to them, etc. Needless to say, it’s a little intimidating and a tad overwhelming. Half the time, I’m never even sure I’ll have a weekly update to give. I wanted to blog because this was sort of my way of journaling. I get tired of writing, I’d much rather type. Call me new age or whatever, but hey, I am. I was also killing two birds with one stone. Keep my mom updated through my blog. Because let’s be honest. We all know any free time I have goes to talking with my boyfriend. What can I say? I’m dedicated. (I love you mommy!)
So obviously I expected some randoms to read my blog, I mean it is an online blog. But to have a following of people who are eagerly awaiting my next post…it’s…weird. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the support and interest, I really am. It’s just…like I said, intimidating. I’m sitting here writing, trying to make sure I don’t make some horrendous grammatical taboo or such. I’m also questioning everything I say and how well it will be received. But then I am reminded. I’m not writing for anyone but myself. Sounds selfish right? Well I guess it is. Years from now when I am living my life, and I let the stressors of everyday life come in between me and my God, I want to be able to look back and recall the lessons I learned during my time here in Poland.
God has had His hands all over this since the beginning. Everything that led up to this, He orchestrated perfectly. And I’d be crazy not to acknowledge that. I’d be crazy to forget that. So for those of you that are wondering what is going on in your life, why certain things are happening, why certain people leave or enter your life, it’s because God is working. Constantly working, in overtime, trying to give you a future; His future. Yes. Even when you’re already old and you think you’ve done everything you possibly could have to spread the good news. Every day you live out on this world, God has a purpose for you. Every day. He is not finished with you.
Where to start? Well I had another interesting Sabbath, it was a bit chillier than my last one but that’s okay. Because this Sabbath we went to the countryside for a bonfire! But I get ahead of myself. We walked to the school for church and had the opening service and then we were split up to go have our Sabbath school lessons. This Sabbath the lesson was about, wonder of all wonders, the Sabbath! Why it was created and what purpose it served for us. “And He said to them, ‘The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. Therefore the Son of Man is also Lord of the Sabbath.’” I found this verse to be so powerful. We, as sinful human beings, were not made for the Sabbath. The Sabbath was actually made for us. This verse tells me that the Sabbath was a gift from God. Growing up, I never fully understood what was so great about a day of rest. After these last few years, I absolutely love the Sabbath and the rest and replenishing it grants for my weary soul. As a rambunctious youngster, I didn’t grasp God’s mercy. But as I’m coming to daily realize, God always has us in His loving mind.
After church, we had our first church potluck and I have to say, I LOVE POLISH FOOD! I love perogies. I love potatoes. I love it all. But as we sat around in the little room eating, all the fellowship and enjoyment that was going around seemed to slap me in the face. These church members are so sweet and welcoming but I was finally coming to realize the extent of the language barrier between us. I know very limited polish. They know very limited English. Limited polish + limited English = very limited conversation. And I being a writer and “deep thinker” thrive on conversation. I thrive on words. Here there are very few words spoken between us. The happiness that was on the faces of the church members, because of what was being talked about, I wasn’t a part of. And it hurt. It made me miss my friends, my church potlucks, and the fellowship and conversation I had with likeminded people.
I guess I let that feeling, the feeling of ‘the outsider’, rule me throughout the week. We went to the countryside later and had a bonfire. It was really a lot of fun. I got to pick blackberries and raspberries from the bushes, which I haven’t done since I was little. I forgot how delicious they were straight from the garden. We toasted bread, ate sunflower seeds and nuts. It was an afternoon of continuous eating. It was wondrous! Haha. Then later on, some of the ladies started wrapping potatoes in foil, and they put them in the coals and ashes under the fire and let them bake. After, we added butter and salt, it was so delicious! We went home, had enough time to change and walk to the gym the church rents to play volleyball.
Sunday was a day of relaxation at its finest. I read a book, skyped my boyfriend, and chatted with friends back home. Monday came and went; I just had one session with Ernest, my 8 year-old. Which if you’re wondering, it went so much better than our first lesson. He gave me a hug at the beginning and end of the lesson. Tuesday, I had my lesson with Julia, my 13 year-old who is very advanced. We watched an English movie with subtitles and she really loves it and can’t wait to finish it next week. Wednesday, yesterday, was also relatively easy until my lesson with two 16 year-old girls. They are great and sweet. But very shy! And they don’t understand much English so our conversation is very limited. During these tutor sessions, I’m not so much a grammatical English teacher; these sessions are dedicated to perfecting conversational English.
After that lesson, I started to stress about what I was going to do for next week. This did not help me because since this past Saturday, I had been in a state of constant stress and anxiety. Thursday, today, was/is my most taxing day mentally because I go through multiple back-to-back sessions with a variety of different levels and age groups. So what might be good for one group isn’t always the best or even remotely understood with the next one. I had downloaded some apps and read through some different materials, planning things to do with each group. I was also stressing because next week, my actual classes start and tomorrow (Friday) we have mock lessons. Wednesday night I was very irritable and I started to fold. I felt alone and the reality of my situation was crashing into me in waves.
My healing finally came when…places of all places…I went to take a shower. This is one the first real cry sessions I’ve had since I’ve been here and boy was it good! Haha. As I cried out to God, He answered. You see, I had been searching for the type of support that nobody can give me except for God. I had been searching for strength in others when I should have been asking for His strength. As I apologized, I came to my realization for the week: I am an empty vessel. Full of useless, worthless things. I am weak. I am selfish. Bitter. Prideful. Etc. I am filled with all these sinful desires and nothing good comes from my hands. But when I call out to God, when I ask him daily to fill me up with the Fruits of the Spirit, to fill me up with His love…I am HIS vessel. I am strong. I am selfless. I am sweet. But until that moment, until I continually ask Him daily to fill me up, I am empty and empty I will remain.
In Galatians 5:16-26, the bible talks about Life by the Spirit. “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” Verse 16. It goes on to talk about the desires and acts of the sinful nature and what will happen to those who live by this nature. It gets really depressing. But then. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Verses 22-23. A lot of people ask for the fruits. “Oh! These fruits sound awesome! I want to be happy and have peace. I want…” What they don’t always realize is that you can’t have the fruits without the Spirit. The fruits and the Spirit go hand in hand. It says it plain as day, “But the fruit OF the Spirit is…”
So, with reverence and all the want in the world, I asked for the fruit of the Spirit and boy did I get. For a long time I have held bitterness in my heart towards a few people and I’ve never been able to let it go. I think my selfish human nature actually wanted to hold on to it. But I, filled with Jesus, did not want it anymore. By the grace of God, he gave me strength to face my fears and let the bitterness go. I left my shower convicted of what I needed to do. I reached out to these people and I was amazingly and thankfully well received. Again. I cried! Haha sorry. I’m emotional! It was a night of a healing for long-held emotional scars. I immediately felt unhindered from God in a way I haven’t experienced since I was a child.
Today was a good day. All my lessons went great. I even had my first experience to witness. I was asking one of my groups what they did for the weekend and then one girl unexpectedly asked me what I did for my weekend. I sent up a prayer and started to tell her from Friday. As I came to the Sabbath and said that I went to church, it sparked up a series of questions. I explained how and why I worshipped. We talked about how Poland is mostly catholic but a lot of people are not devout and they only go for holiday services. She asked many questions about where I was from and if everyone there was Adventist. Then she asked me why I came to Poland which opened up an even deeper discussion when I mentioned I came as a student missionary. Then later, in my last lesson, I had my Sabbath School quarterly out on the table and as one of my girls was leaving the big JESUS caught her eye. She looked at it, looked at me, and said, “I’m confused.” I got to explain to her what it was and what we did with it. She is also catholic. She said that Catholicism, Protestantism, and all the religions that fall under that realm are all very different. I agreed. We came to the conclusion though that as long as you truly love God and follow Him that it really shouldn’t matter what you label yourself.
Praises: I successfully used public transportation all by myself today!! With no complications!
I ask that you please pray for me and the impact I will have on all my students as the school year approaches. None of my students are Adventist; most of them are actually secular. This opens up huge opportunities for witnessing, not only in conversation, but also in the way I present myself. In the way they see me act and live. “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” –Jesus to his disciples; Matthew 16:24
God decided to give me a show out in the countryside to close out the Sabbath.
So, even though this is technically the start of a new week, I’m posting for my week two blog. So I am picking up from where I left off from my Week One post. If you’re lost, go back and reread that blog I guess.
Sabbath was an adventure all of its own. Woke up to a beautiful, un-Polish sunny day. We then walked to church, which is actually just the lower part of the building where we teach, and were greeted by welcoming church members who could speak some English. Coming from a huge university church, as the welcoming service started I realized I was in for something different. I started to get anxious when I didn’t recognize the songs being sung. And I’ll tell you why. One of my favorite things about church is song service. Oh I love it! Worshiping God through song is one of my favorite things and sometimes the most powerful times for me. So to not understand made me sad and I felt as though I was missing out. The congregation is quite small but for what they lack in numbers, they make up for in zeal for the Lord. It was obvious to me that these people loved the Lord. Since they are small, they do this cool thing when prayer time rolls around: Anyone can pray and then the elder finishes out. After prayer time, they have a time for speaking about testimonies or blessings that have happened over the week. At this time, the two other missionaries and I got up to introduce ourselves and Tom translated for us. Afterwards we were dismissed to Sabbath School.
Tom held Sabbath School in English for us and this is where I realized something huge. This is hard for me to admit and say but I have taken Sabbath School and Sabbath School quarterlies for granted. Big time. Growing up in the church, some things become almost routine, like Sabbath School for instance. I realized that I have been allowing church to be too much of a routine for me and the realization made me want to cry out for forgiveness. So many young people I know today don’t go to Sabbath School anymore, myself included, and if they go, it’s just to see friends and talk to them. Or in some cases, to get the really good breakfast served! And then these youth wonder how to have bible studies and make the bible come alive when it’s right there in the form of a quarterly. It lines out a weekly bible study for you. You don’t have to do anything except read! So here I am, in my first week of actually reading the quarterly and the texts it gives me, and I already love it so much. Thank you Jesus. For those of you who are like, “duh Emily! You’re so behind!” Sorry…lol
After church, we were invited to our director’s place for Sabbath lunch and it was so delicious. so, so, so delicious! I can’t even explain. And since it was such a beautiful day instead of going to the country for a bonfire, we went to the Baltic Sea. As I stepped onto the sand and looked out, I fell in love with the Baltic Sea instantly. I had brought my camera along, excited to use it for the first time in Poland. I went to turn it on and…..it wouldn’t turn on! I instantly started to freak out because I had charged the battery before I had left for Poland to make sure nothing like this would happen! I looked for my spare battery and couldn’t find it. I felt so defeated that I couldn’t take pictures with my new camera. So I finally walked down to the spot on the beach where the church members sat. Something told me to look through my bag one more time! and I found my spare battery hiding behind some screen protectors. From then on, I was snapping pictures. After picture time, we laid around for a while and then played some beach volleyball until leaving. Sunday, we went to a gym that the church members rent to play volleyball every week. For those who know me, you know I’m CRAZY about volleyball and I love it. So obviously I had a great time.
Monday, I met with my second student, a little 8 year old boy named Ernest. He was adorable and sweet and drew a cute picture of us. But I soon realized he was not interested in learning English and he only comes because his mom makes him come. This, of course, stressed me out and made me anxious but I don’t know why I don’t know better yet. After conferring with my director and a previous student missionary that had tutored him, my fears were put at ease. Tuesday, I had my second session with Julia and we walked to the beach near the school. Wednesday, my roommate went to a nearby town so I had to fend myself. It was a rather chill day. I had one session with two teenage girls who came to the apartment. They were crazy shy but so sweet. We sat there with dictionaries and tried to communicate the best that we could. If you’re keeping up with me regularly, you’ve already read about my crazy Thursday. Friday was rather chill. Nothing super exciting happened.
Actually just kidding. Friday was a test all of its self. It all started when I decided I wanted to make a smoothie with my brand new nutribullet. Let’s just preface this with….I am an idiot and an embarrassment to my family who runs an air conditioning/electrical company. I have nothing. I plug in my bullet and make the preparations for my smoothie. I go to put the cup on the bullet, push down, and spin it to lock it…….and then a fiery spark and pop! Smoke everywhere. A horrible smell overtaking our little apartment. I instantly unplugged the bullet. My first thought…no delicious smoothie to remind me of home. Second thought. We really need to open these windows…..we opened every window in our apartment! Still, the smell stayed all day. When I went over to unplug my charger and adapter, something was different. I finally realized what it was….the little green light on my charger had gone out. I FRIED MY CHARGER AND ADAPTER. I almost collapsed into a puddle of tears. I know it sounds ridiculous but that smoothie was going to be a little something from home. A little regular in my not so regular life right now. And then not mention my blunder in messing up my new appliance. Now I had no way to charge my laptop, my phone, and iPod. No blog, no music, no family, no boyfriend, no material possessions I had grown used to. I had also ruined the adapter my boyfriend so sweetly gave me. There were burn marks on our table. After such a great day, this would be the beginning of my weekend. All these thoughts traitorously swamped my head. I wanted to give up. This was it. I wanted to go home. We then found out that I had caused the fridge to turn off which was obviously not good, but after resetting a breaker, it thankfully came back on.
I didn’t know what to do. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I hated the fact that I had wanted a smoothie and that I was an idiot for not making sure that my charger and adapter were fit to handle my bullet. I wanted to crawl in a hole and cry. I tried to contact my director about getting a new adapter but he was swamped with work himself. I would have to wait until our meeting later that day to find a solution to my problem. So I made a sandwich and looked at my measly book shelf and grabbed a book my friend Kim had given to me at my going away party. Kisses from Katie. A book about a girl named Katie Davis who went to Uganda her senior year of high school for a 3 week mission trip and then decided to move there. And as I read, I realized how ridiculous I was being. I’m over here complaining when I have electricity. Running water. Toilet paper. An actual shower. Everything, and definitely more, that I need to survive. I began to cry and I was so ashamed of letting these material things get in my way. When I’m trying to get somewhere and do something greater than any charged electronic device can. And so, even though, I am not in Uganda with 13 children to call my own, even though I am not dealing with sickness and death on a daily basis, even though I have the creature comforts I grew up with, I still resonated with a lot of things I read in this book. It helped me to put things in perspective.
One of them being: it’s so easy to put things in perspective when times aren’t bad, but when everything seems to be falling apart, we tend to forget that (or at least I do) there is a bigger purpose for us. I had a choice. I could look at this day and say oh it was just Satan trying to get to me after the spiritual high I was experiencing. Or. I could look at this day and say that it was God. It was God knocking on my door, trying to break through my barriers, trying to forge a more meaningful and deeper relationship with me. Because the deepest, most solid, and closest relationships we have in our lives aren’t forged through the good and happy times. These types of relationships are forged through fire. Through trials. Through hardships battled and won together.
I could have rolled over and said, “Oh God! why are you allowing this to happen? Why, why, why?” But instead, God chose to share with me through just a few chapters of this book, that I put value in things when I should be putting value in Him. As I started to write this, some verses popped into my head that I would like to share with you all, my faithful readers 🙂
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, wehave peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.Not only so, but wealso rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;perseverance, character; and character, hope.And hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” -Romans 5:1-5
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:9, 10
God wasn’t letting Satan get to me like I probably would have normally thought, and have thought, on some bad days. He was molding me. Shaping me. In His hands. Where I have been, where I am, and where I always will be. Especially in the bad times.
Oh and for those of you who are wondering, I got a new adapter by the end of the day, and wonder of all wonders…my charger worked! 🙂 God cares. God loves. Especially in the bad times.
A depiction of me and my student Ernest in the eyes of Ernest. 🙂
I have to be completely honest….Sadly, I did not come up with that really good title. I stole it from my devotional book. But it is completely fitting for this post. So I started to write from where I left off but soon realized that if I did that, this would be a really long (probably boring) post! So I have decided to write about just today and then maybe post about week two tomorrow.
God has a sense of humor and definitely knows what I need before I know myself. This week I was told that it was a possibility that I would go to a city called Koszalin to teach in an apartment. Needless to say I was skeptical. But today has easily been the best day I’ve had since I’ve gotten here, with this past Sabbath a close second, or tied actually. I was told that an office worker would come to my apartment today at 11:05 and take me to my 11:20 shuttle to Koszalin. 11:10 came and I feared I was forgotten. Which I was but it made for quite the start to this day. Kasia, the office worker, ran to my place and from the time we started running to catch the shuttle we had 3 minutes. For some reason, I chose to wear a long maxi dress, cardigan, scarf, and a pair of toms-like shoes. During my impromptu jog, all of this was quite annoying. From the looks I got while running, I knew I was quite a sight! Holding my maxi dress up, trying to keep my cardigan from flying off, and trying not to slip on cobblestone streets. The whole entire time we were running I was praying, “Jesus, if you want me to go to Koszalin today, I know you will make a way.” Jesus made a way. By some miracle, we made it and I got onto the shuttle. By this time, I realized I had forgotten my water bottle and that is was HOT! I put my hair up and took my cardigan off and started fanning myself with a book I had. Again, quite the sight.
As I cooled down from an adventurous start, my heart and nerves begin to take flight. I had to make sure to get off at the right stop and this shuttle made multiple stops. I, as a small town girl, suck at and know nothing about public transportation. And that’s public transportation in my own language! (refer to funny LA story where my boyfriend and I tried to take public transportation from the airport to the Polish consulate to get my visa….yeah…we ended up running two miles with 30 minutes on our time clock). I was working myself into a fit of nerves and I started to feel overwhelmed. I finally said to myself, “Emily. You need to stop. God wants you here. He wants you to go. He will get you there and He will get you there safely.” I got out my iPod and put on my Jesus playlist and this is one of the first instances in my day where God has a sense of humor. “I’m Letting Go” by Francesca Battistelli comes on and waves of peace wash over me and I start to become overwhelmed for a different reason entirely (YouTube link embedded at the end of this post). So for the rest of the trip, I worshiped and calmed my nerves in one of the best ways. I prayed fervently for this day. And…always in a rush, I almost got off a stop too early but the shuttle driver said no. I got off near a train station, looked around, and looked at the time. I was about 10 minutes ahead of schedule. Karolina, the lady who ran classes out of the Koszalin apartment was not there. I texted Tom and he texted back saying she would be there within 5-10 minutes.
Ten minutes later, a young woman approached me and asked my name questioningly. I was kind of upset about looking so out of place until she told me that she had been sent a picture of me the previous night…haha. From there, she showed me how to get to the bus I would take to the apartment, how to read the timetable and which bus number I would be taking. And then she showed me how to take the shuttle back to Kolobrzeg and how to read that timetable. We then went in her car on the route the bus would take me and she pointed out where I would get off and walk to the apartments. And I learned how to buy a bus ticket in Polish: Jeden ulgowy prosze = One discount ticket please. (Enter sarcastic yay for more public transportation.) I instantly clicked with Karolina and talking with her put me completely at ease. We parked and she then bought me some delicious treat from a bakery since I forgot to bring a lunch. We went to the apartment where I would be teaching for the afternoon and it was adorable. (some pictures of my room will be at the end of this post) We sat down in her office and she told me my schedule:
1:45 – Ola, Victoria, and Patricia (60 min)
3:30 – Veronica, Michael, Maria, and Bartek (45 min)
4:15 – Ola and Ala (45 min)
5 – Ola, Ola, and Ola…and yes..I’m serious. (60 min)
6 – Max (45 min)
For some reason…I don’t know why…maybe because I didn’t have time for it and Karolina kept talking to me, I didn’t freak out over having that many sessions in one day. Karolina asked me about myself and I got to show her my family and my boyfriend. We talked and had good conversation. I also had my first cup of coffee since coming to Poland…and it was AMAZING!!!! It was some type of natural coffee. Point is, Karolina has offered to make it for me every time I come! Soon enough, it was time for my first lesson. I had little time to prepare for my first session so it was kind of unorganized and hectic. Also two girls were way more advanced than one girl, so in the end I just let them play hangman. My second session went much smoother because I had decided to make a loose outline instead of just going by ear. Each session got better and better until my three Ola’s. It ended up that they had sat in order of age: 15, 16, and 17. And it was at this time especially that I realized God has brought me here for a reason and He has placed all these people, these students, in my life for a reason. However random and uncertain this day seemed, it was all planned out by the author of my life. I am so thankful and in awe of His love, mercy, and grace He showers me with on the daily here in Poland. Being completely out of my comfort zone allows me to realize it and fully experience it so much more than I normally would.
My last student forgot about his lesson so I got to leave early. I successfully took the bus back to the train station with the help of my 16 yr old Ola. and I made it just in time for the 6:30 shuttle back to Kolobrzeg. On the way back, I was so full of peace and happiness. It sounds cliche but I had such good conversation with the three Ola’s and I was looking forward to next Thursday. I still am. But as I had time to reflect, my mind was brought back to my devotional this morning. The Remedy of Uncertainty. I will leave you with this devotional that started out my day of uncertainty:
“But He said to them, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.” – Matthew 8:26
“In Matthew 8, we are told of a terrible storm that rose quickly on the Sea of Galilee while Jesus and His disciples were in a boat, far from shore. The disciples were filled with fear. Sometimes, like Jesus’ disciples, we feel threatened by the storms of life. Sometimes we feel distant from God, and sometimes we may question His power or His plans. During these moments, when our hopes begin to fade and our fears begin to multiply, we must remember that God is not simply near, He is HERE. Are you being tested? If so, remember that God is always with you, always willing to calm the storms of life. When you sincerely seek His presence–and when you genuinely seek to establish a deeper, more meaningful relationship with His Son–God is prepared to touch your heart, CALM your fears, ANSWER your doubts, and RESTORE your hopes.”
And then it ended with this quote I fell in love with.
“Struggling with God over the issues of life doesn’t show a lack of faith–that is faith.” – Lee Strobel.
For me, this day started out filled with uncertainty but by the end, I truly realized that God is the remedy. He is the remedy of uncertainty.
My room where I teach in the apartment.
My nifty whiteboard!
Two bracelets I received from one of my first students after our lesson 🙂
“When I was your age, I never thought of doing something crazy like that.”
“All alone, in a different country. I can’t even imagine. You are so brave to be doing this.”
These are just a few of the many remarks I have received about my decision to be a student missionary this year in Poland. I, of course, am going to try to keep a regularly updated blog during this year but you know, things happen. This post is to set just a few things straight that I’ve had stirring in my mind. By this time, next Monday, I will be an hour into my 10 1/2 hour flight to Germany. I will then meet another female student missionary and we will go on to our destination together via a 3 1/2 hour shuttle ride.
We will have a three week orientation and then school will start. I am going to be helping teach ESL evening classes to students in various age groups. I will also be helping out with the local Seventh-day Adventist Church. I’m going to be over there until June 1, 2015. And I’m gonna be completely honest. I am not brave. I’m not. Let’s just get that one out of the way. I am scared. So scared. I’m leaving my family, my boyfriend, my friends. And that’s just the beginning! The longest I’ve ever been out of my small, two-stoplight town is a month. And that was for camp in Florida. Camp in Florida. With my best friend even! It was fun. Easy. I am going to a different continent, a different time zone, a different culture.
I did not take this decision lightly. I wrestled with it. For two straight years. I’m not brave. I’ve been running from this for two years. Finally, God said, no more Emily. No more running. And I don’t know about you but when God speaks, I listen. But people, I’m not brave. My God? He is courageous. HE is brave. People my age tell me that they couldn’t do that right now. Of course they couldn’t. Get back to them in five years, they still couldn’t. No one is ever going to be able to do something like this of their own will. It’s God’s will. It’s Him and His sacrifice that moves me. It’s Him and His sacrifice that makes me do something so crazy and unheard of. It’s His spirit that gives me the courage and bravery needed. Because I don’t have it and I never will.
I think that a lot of people my age need to get that. They keep fighting God and His will, saying that they’re not ready. What they need to understand, what I came to understand, was that I will never be ready for something like this. I will always be unprepared, unskilled, unknowing, etc. But I know, I know this adventure, this mission will revolutionize my life and my faith. That’s another incentive. Another reason I’m being “brave.” But if you asked me right now to retrace my steps to the deciding moment of this…well..decision, I couldn’t pinpoint it. I couldn’t tell you. It’s been this slow burn, one I didn’t even think I wanted. But God had other plans. Just like He always does.
So here I am, a week away from Poland. A week away from saying goodbye to all I’ve ever known for a long while. Why? Why am I doing this? Because I’m tired. I’m tired of comfort. I’m tired of complacency. I’m tired of sitting around saying I’m going to make a difference but never actually following through. But most importantly, because I look at the cross. I look at His sacrifice and I can’t just let my own fears and insecurities get in the way of something so divine, so Holy. I’m not brave. I’m just a sinner saved by grace. His grace. I surrender all. Let that be our daily prayer.
“Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God CHOSE the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God CHOSE the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He CHOSE the lowly things of this world and the despised things–and the things that are not–to nullify the things that are.” -1 Corinthians 1:26-28
So I like those weird, different, indie movies. Okay, you caught me. I actually LOVE them. Growing up, every Saturday night my family and I would go out to Cici’s in the next town over (My town was/is substantially tiny: We now have a subway and a sonic).
Anyways, we’d gorge ourselves on pasta and pizza..still my favorite place ever to go out..and afterwards we’d go to Hollywood Video (before it ran out of business) and we’d rent about three videos. One that my dad had been wanting to watch, one my brother wanted to watch, and one I wanted to watch. My mom didn’t really care that much. It was a tradition that lasted a long time. When Hollywood shut down, we sometimes went to Blockbuster or the Video Place. Then Redbox came along. We grew up, my brother got a family and moved out, I started college, etc. We rarely ever do that anymore.
I’m telling you this story because I grew up on mainstream movies. It wasn’t a bad childhood. I actually loved our Saturday nights. Driving to the next town jamming out to 80s night on the radio. Stuffing our faces with fatty foods. Watching action movies and the one random romance I wanted to watch. It was perfect.
I guess it started my junior year of high school. I was on youtube to watch one video. You know how that goes. Pretty soon I got to trailers I never saw. Then my family got netflix and I clicked on the Independent category…and my relationship with indie flicks prospered from there.
The last three indie movies I watched: How I Live Now, Stuck in Love, and The Lifeguard.
Stuck in Love and The Lifeguard: I love Veronica Mars. Why is this relevant? Well Kristen Bell is Veronica Mars. Imagine my surprise when I find out that Kristen Bell is actually what seems to be a pretty cool person off screen. So I follow her and everything she does. She stars in The Lifeguard and she’s a supporting role in Stuck in Love. Both great movies. WATCH THEM.
I came across the How I Live Now trailer on youtube. It recommended it to me since I liked The Host, starring Saoirse Ronan. This indie film also starred Ronan. I watched the trailer and I had goosebumps from just the trailer. (You know it’s going to be good when that happens). Anyways, watched it. Loved it. yada yada yada.
One of the things I love most about indie films? (Because there is no way I can narrow it down to just one) The soundtracks. Ahhh. Such greatness.
Now down to the reason I wrote this whole post, this song: Home by Daughter, which I got from How I Live Now. It’s my song of the week. And month, and so on….<3 I love it because I can relate. And that’s all anyone ever wants to do. Relate.
So enjoy. And before anyone asks, yes I realize this is an “old” song by release date terms and that yes, maybe you’ve already heard it before. Relaxxxx. Listen to her lilting, haunting voice again. ENJOY.
I can’t believe I’m sitting here, near tears. You confuse the heck out of me. The last time we spoke, we were kissing and the words you spoke made my heart pound,
“Why is it so hard to say goodbye to you?” you said as you held me in your arms.
“I don’t know,” I murmured as you looked into my eyes and kissed me softly.
You twined your hands in mine, wrapping your arms around to grab me in a hold that made me feel safe, secure, and wanted.
“I really should go,” you said.
“Go,” I spoke the one word aloud, hoping you would hear my plea in the silence, reading between the word that is there and the words that aren’t.
You heard my plea and that’s what you set out to answer if only for a few more minutes but then fear clenched your heart, didn’t it? You felt it too, I know you had too. That’s why you ran. That’s why you decided that it was time to leave. As you walk out my door for the first time, my heart is full and happy. I’m carefree, and light.
Later on, reality set in and I chastised myself abundantly. I was careless, so nonchalant. When really, all I was aching to do was talk to you about us. You flit into my life like a dream. Soft, warm, and fuzzy. Then when it’s time to leave, you make sure to leave your mark. Tearing open my walls and destroying them.
It’s not a pain I can’t survive. I can, I’m not weak. It’s just a pain I don’t like to feel. It’s a new kind of pain. All the other guys before were just that. Guys before. They didn’t make my pulse skyrocket. They didn’t make me shake with nervousness and want. You’re not my Soulmate. I know that. You’re not my true love, I’m aware of that too. I’m not so vain as to think that someone was created perfectly for me.
It’s slightly ironic because you’re actually all the things I never thought I’d end up wanting, I’d end up liking. You don’t call. You’re not clear and concise. The list goes on and on.
You make me question what is real and what is fake. Am I just a girl to pass the time? Ah, I’ve held out hope for the two of us for too long. Longer than I have for anybody else in this lifetime.
So now, in the present, as your voice penetrates my awareness as you talk to someone behind me, and tears are quickly filling my eyes, I decide. I’m done waiting. I’m done being confused. I’m done wondering if I mean as much to you as you mean to me. You no longer hold the power over me that I let you hold onto for so long. I’ve needed this, this closure. You haven’t given it to me, so I’m taking it for myself.
I don’t hate you, I could never hate you. I just want to live my life. What we had was sad, tragic, but ultimately beautiful.
As I finalize the decision in my head, the last images of us together are imprinted in my mind. And now I can finally be happy without chastising myself. Because it was beautiful and I want to thank you, for if nothing else, making me feel wanted.
********
Well, I was sitting here and these words literally poured out of my fingertips and onto my keyboard. I wanted to share it. I had to. It’s a closing scene in a book I want to write. Just a beautiful thing called life. I hope you can appreciate it, that it’s not too sappy or dark. It’s just truth to me. Yes, it is a little rough around the edges but I think it just adds to the rawness and the truth of what she just discovered. And hey, life is a little rough around the edges.
Good day my blogger lovelies! It’s Monday, you have survived another week and tomorrow, I will have survived another month of school. Gah! Time is sure flying by.
This blog goes out to all my fellow bookworms out there. I am doing my very first book review on the third installment in a heart wrenching tale of what two people would do for love: Storm Shells (Book 3 of the Wishes Series)
G.J. Walker-Smith really knocks it out of the park this time. She hits AND closes all the questions I didn’t even know I had swirling around in my little mind. While ending the book with a very satisfying closing point, she also leaves it open for other important characters.
In order to get my point across, I need to rehash a little of what happened in Second Hearts (Book 2). That being said, if you have not read that book or the first one, Saving Wishes (Book 1), go no further and get the first and second books ASAP! The first book is currently free on Amazon Kindle and iBooks. Second Hearts (Book 2) is being priced at $2.99 on both sites which is definitely low price and worth it.
If you have read both of these books, then please, continue on and enjoy!
Second Hearts (Book 2 of the Wishes Series) leaves us wondering if Charli will ever get the beautiful ending she deserves. After finding out that Adam lied about promising to leave New York after law school….why Adam, why did you do that? Yeah so I was pretty mad at him. That’s an understatement.
What I love about these books is that it’s not a traditional love story. Charli and Adam don’t just have one struggle to get over and then everything is hunky-dory. Charli has to fight every step of the way to get the love she deserves and then when she realizes she’s not going to get it, at least not yet, she stands up for herself and walks away.
“We Weren’t giving up. We were just letting go for a while.” -Charli, Second Hearts (Book 2).
I loved the fact that Charli was strong and independent enough to walk away though. I was so proud of her! Still, I was wondering if Adam was ever going to step up to the plate and do something about how stupid he has been (because he already realizes he’s been the stupidest person in the world, he just doesn’t do anything about it).
Storm Shells (Book 3):
“I’ve jumped out of a tall tree this time, Alex,” I muttered.
He finally smiled, though it had a rueful tinge. “I’m standing at the bottom of it, Charli. You’ll be fine.”
That little, tiny excerpt from book 3 was all that I needed to know that everything, no matter the outcome would be okay and that I would be happy. It also is one of my favorite parts in the whole entire series. The relationships throughout these books are so intricate and beautiful, they draw you in.
The different twists and turns throughout Storm Shells will have you on your toes throughout the whole book. There are definitely a few chapters where I really hated Adam and his stupidity. Just like the first two books, you go through the gamut of emotions. This time though, there’s one emotion I didn’t expect to feel: suspense. Like I said, definitely some twists and turns.
If you love to read young adult/teen fiction, this series is definitely for you. If this is usually not your scene, you should branch out and be pleased and surprised by the way this story draws you in.
I read through this book in one sitting and I’ve never really been happier with an ending to a book like I have with this. I read tons of books. I’m a major bookworm. Books are like my air. So I’ve read a lot of stories from different authors. Some are good, some are okay, and some are just plain bad. None have really made me go after a series quite like this author though. After finishing Second Hearts I had to get the next book that instant. Imagine my depression when I found out it wasn’t released yet.
In order to find out the release of the third book, I went on a (electronic) man hunt and found this gem of an author: G.J. Walker-Smith. I asked, okay no begged if I could write my very first book review on this book and it has been my pleasure and honor to do so.
After reading these three books, I can’t wait for more from her.
Storm Shells (Book 3 in the Wishes Series) is currently set for release on Nov. 25, 2013. To keep up with more from this amazing author, you can find her here: https://www.facebook.com/gjwalkersmith
P.s. Thanks for the chance of a lifetime G.J. Walker-Smith, you made one of my dreams come true.
P.p.s. Have a great week my fellow bloggers and bookworms!
My freshman year of high school, I went all in. I took all the recommended courses as well as honors choir, gymnastics, volleyball, and basketball. I would’ve played softball, if I enjoyed that sport. I also would’ve played soccer but its season coincided with volleyball season.
Midway through the year, I started having some major back pain. I remember it was so bad and I was just constantly in pain. I finally ended up going to two different chiropractors and they said the same thing, that I had little hairline fractures on my lower lumbar discs, which caused some “discomfort.” Yeah. Riiiiigggghhht.
I was learning to tumble in gymnastics which constantly put pressure on my lower back by bending and well, tumbling. So I had to quit that and it tore me up. I walked around to my classes with a little back pillow and I had tons of pain killers on me. That resulted in me building a tolerance to said pain killers and here I am now. I don’t know if it’s not as bad or if I just got used to having back pain. It’s something I have to live with, I have a bad back. Sometimes I’ll do some things and I’ll wake up the next morning and say, ‘Well maybe that wasn’t such a bright idea.’ Part of it is probably that I’m just getting old and I don’t recover the way a child’s body does and the other part is that I have a bad back.
Anyways, I approached my freshman year of college so differently than my freshman year of high school. I didn’t try out for any sports, I didn’t do choir. I took my credit hours and I worked. That’s it. I didn’t do intramurals. I just didn’t really get involved. Part of the reason was because I wanted to get into the groove of things. I wanted to see how college worked for me before I overloaded my seemingly already full plate.
This year though, I’m back to trying to do everything. My credit hours, work, and a team sport I’ve never officially played before, soccer. I don’t regret anything I did last year. I made a decision based on instinct and I stick to it. I would’ve been always stressing and overworked because college is something completely different than what I’ve been expecting it to be my whole life.
That’s weird right? You grow up through all this education and one of the main reasons why you go through it is to prepare you for college, so that you can get a degree, and a stable job…but all of a sudden. College comes and more often than not, kids aren’t prepared for it and what they find. Hmm, food for thought I guess.
Sincerely,
Random reflections from a second year college student.
Hi all who read my blog. It’s me, yes I am still alive. The reason I have been absent from the blogging scene for what seems like forever, is because I have been working at a camp this summer.
Honestly, I loved it there. I’m also in awe of how God works, I think I always will be though every time he takes my life and puts it where He wants it.
Storytime:
Back in February, I was coming back from the weekend into work mode. I open up my school email and I read all the emails I missed over the weekend. One of them attracted my attention, it was an email saying that a camp director was here for the weekend looking for people to work at his camp.
Just a few days before, my best friend and I were talking about what we were going to do for our summer plans and that we really needed to get jobs because the struggle is real for tuition. We wanted to do something fun and different though and I really wanted to get out of my small hometown.
So I come into work and I see the email and I’m like hold up, why don’t we work here as lifeguards or something? So I text my bestie and I’m like, ‘yo, what do you think about working as lifeguards at camp in the sunshine state this summer?’ She was down and that’s the beginning of how we got here.
It turns out the director had just left that Sunday so we had missed him and I was honestly devastated but my friend told me to email him anyways saying we were interested, so I did and guess what?
He emailed back telling us to apply and the morning after we emailed our applications in, we got hired. The funny thing is, the only positions he had left? Lifeguard positions. So that was that, we were hired for a camp we’d never been to and we had no idea what was to come. All we could do at this point was wait.
As the months turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into days, we were getting more and more excited. We were about to embark on a 15 hour road trip in a manual car. (We learned to drive stick shift in just a few weeks before we left.) Everything that was iffy and difficult about this trip just disappeared and things fell into place.
When we got there, I remember I was so scared and nervous. I mean, I’m a pretty outgoing person but I had just put myself in a place I had never been before and I didn’t really even know a soul, other than my best friend who kept me from having a panic attack. So we go into the place where staff registration was taking place and just kind of floated through that, went to the mini lodge we were staying in for the staff week and there we took it all in.
What did I get myself into this time? Doubts assailed me, I am a small town girl through and through. The person who kept me grounded was my best friend and I thought about the scare I had when she didn’t know if she would be able to come. Of course though, God worked it out.
Staff week went by as slow as possible and we were all ready for camp to get going. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun…when we weren’t in sessions. I was slowly getting acquainted with the place and the people. I was slowly falling in love with camp.
It’s amazing because it was only a month but it felt like a whole other lifetime. Camp started and my best friend and I were exhausted all the time but so happy and having so much fun. We loved our jobs, our boss, and our kids. We made friends for life in one month and memories that I’ll tell my kids about. It was an amazing experience and we decided during the first week of camp that we were definitely coming back.
As we were leaving camp, we were really just a mess and I was crying and our emotions were all over the place. I put my ipod on shuffle and Don’t Stop Believin’ came on and we shouted along at the top of our lungs and then, we felt a little better.
So now I’m back in my small little town and I miss the beautiful simplicity of camp life. It was sort of like an escape, a much needed one.
Anchor Away and Setting Sail 