No. I’m not brave.

“Oh my goodness. You’re so brave!”

“I couldn’t do that! Especially right now.”

“When I was your age, I never thought of doing something crazy like that.”

“All alone, in a different country. I can’t even imagine. You are so brave to be doing this.”

These are just a few of the many remarks I have received about my decision to be a student missionary this year in Poland. I, of course, am going to try to keep a regularly updated blog during this year but you know, things happen. This post is to set just a few things straight that I’ve had stirring in my mind. By this time, next Monday, I will be an hour into my 10 1/2 hour flight to Germany. I will then meet another female student missionary and we will go on to our destination together via a 3 1/2 hour shuttle ride.

We will have a three week orientation and then school will start. I am going to be helping teach ESL evening classes to students in various age groups. I will also be helping out with the local Seventh-day Adventist Church. I’m going to be over there until June 1, 2015. And I’m gonna be completely honest. I am not brave. I’m not. Let’s just get that one out of the way. I am scared. So scared. I’m leaving my family, my boyfriend, my friends. And that’s just the beginning! The longest I’ve ever been out of my small, two-stoplight town is a month. And that was for camp in Florida. Camp in Florida. With my best friend even! It was fun. Easy. I am going to a different continent, a different time zone, a different culture.

I did not take this decision lightly. I wrestled with it. For two straight years. I’m not brave. I’ve been running from this for two years. Finally, God said, no more Emily. No more running. And I don’t know about you but when God speaks, I listen. But people, I’m not brave. My God? He is courageous. HE is brave. People my age tell me that they couldn’t do that right now. Of course they couldn’t. Get back to them in five years, they still couldn’t. No one is ever going to be able to do something like this of their own will. It’s God’s will. It’s Him and His sacrifice that moves me. It’s Him and His sacrifice that makes me do something so crazy and unheard of. It’s His spirit that gives me the courage and bravery needed. Because I don’t have it and I never will.

I think that a lot of people my age need to get that. They keep fighting God and His will, saying that they’re not ready. What they need to understand, what I came to understand, was that I will never be ready for something like this. I will always be unprepared, unskilled, unknowing, etc. But I know, I know this adventure, this mission will revolutionize my life and my faith. That’s another incentive. Another reason I’m being “brave.” But if you asked me right now to retrace my steps to the deciding moment of this…well..decision, I couldn’t pinpoint it. I couldn’t tell you. It’s been this slow burn, one I didn’t even think I wanted. But God had other plans. Just like He always does.

So here I am, a week away from Poland. A week away from saying goodbye to all I’ve ever known for a long while. Why? Why am I doing this? Because I’m tired. I’m tired of comfort. I’m tired of complacency. I’m tired of sitting around saying I’m going to make a difference but never actually following through. But most importantly, because I look at the cross. I look at His sacrifice and I can’t just let my own fears and insecurities get in the way of something so divine, so Holy. I’m not brave. I’m just a sinner saved by grace. His grace. I surrender all. Let that be our daily prayer.

“Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God CHOSE the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God CHOSE the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He CHOSE the lowly things of this world and the despised things–and the things that are not–to nullify the things that are.” -1 Corinthians 1:26-28