Week One.

So I’m coming to the close of my first week here in Poland. It’s crazy to think that it’s only been five days. Three if you want to get technical. The first two were spent travelling. I guess that’s the best place to start my recap. (Beware! You are in for a long read. I am a sucker for meaningless detail and filler words.)

As the days were fast approaching my departure time, I was swimming in procrastination, as I so often do. But as the clock kept ticking, I finally decided it was time for me to pack. And when I mean it was time for me, I really meant it was time for me to give my boyfriend the best helpless face I’ve got and watch as my knight came to my rescue. (I love you baby) And came to my rescue he did! He tackled those space bags like a pro. After many failed attempts, two new suitcases, and a $6 scale later, we had accomplished what seemed to be a hopeless task. Granted, both my carry-ons where over 30 lbs. But that’s neither here nor there. 

After the family and some friends came over for our last hurrah, I went to bed around 2 a.m. I woke up at 9 realizing that I was leaving in less than 7 hours. For some reason, it energized me beyond belief and I hopped into the shower and was ready in no less than 30 minutes. The problem was, I still had 6 1/2 hours to go. More people came over to say goodbye, my boyfriend and I went for a walk, and a little after 12 we were off. I can’t lie. My last meal in America was a cheese quesadilla from Taco Bell. And it was good! We got to the airport and checked my bags in and then went over to where my family and one of my best friends was waiting. From there it was a mess of tears and hugging and “I love you’s”. I never thought I would be one of those people to be having emotional, teary goodbyes at the airport but boy was I in for a surprise when my dad gave me a letter, told me to read it only after the plane had taken off and with tears in his eyes said, “Be careful and aware of your surroundings at all times” It only went downhill from there. I almost didn’t know if I could leave. But I did.

I flew to Frankfurt and slept maybe about 45 minutes on that 10 hour flight. I guess I was too nervous. In Frankfurt, I had a 6ish hour layover. Met my roommate about 10 minutes before the flight. Boarded. And passed out on that one hour flight to Berlin. We landed in the little airport and met Norman, a sweet, little man from Brisbane who was also going to be teaching at the school. He gave me a Euro to use for a luggage cart! At this point we had about two hours to kill while we waited for our shuttle driver to come. We were instructed to meet the driver under the red plane, which Norman had found while waiting for us. We went to a coffee shop within the airport where he bought us this fabulous type of green tea with orange, lime, and some type of green herb. It was delicious. I started to realize how exhausted I was as my eyes burned and my face drooped. Soon enough it was close to six so we decided to make our way to the red plane. 

Not long after that, we met our shuttle driver and he took us to his shuttle. A Mercedes van for all you car aficionados. I thought it was pretty legit. Nice and roomy. The driver expertly packed all our luggage into the back and in about 10 minutes we were off to Kolobrzeg. And I promptly put my pillow against the window and knocked out. Woke up once to go to the bathroom at a gas station in Poland. Went back to sleep. All of a sudden. We were on a deserted, cobblestone street in what I assumed was Kolobrzeg at about 9:30 p.m. The director’s wife met us while we waited for him to come and told us that we were invited to supper in their apartment. While I was still exhausted, I was also very hungry! We put our luggage into another van and made our way to their apartment where she made delicious pierogies with onions on top. After given the password to precious internet and keys to our apartment, we were shown around what would be our home for the next nine months. 

I wasn’t going to completely unpack because I was so exhausted. I was just going to do enough to get a shower and go to bed. But once the ball starting rolling, it wouldn’t stop. I skyped my parents and my boyfriend, showed them around and then went to bed. At 10 a.m. the next day, an office worker named Kasia came to our apartment to help show us around and where to get groceries. We soon realized, we walk everywhere. At the grocery store, it finally hit me that I was in a foreign country. To get a shopping cart, you must put a Zloty (the Polish currency) into a slot on the top of the buggy and it will unlock the cart from the rest. To get any fruits or vegetables, you put them in a bag, take them to a scale at the end of the aisles, pick the button that has its name on it, and it prints out a bar code to scan at the register. Without Kasia, I don’t think Renee and I would’ve made it. I was constantly asking Kasia what this or that was or what something meant. Our buggy slowly began to fill up. And we realized we’d have to carry all this back so we made our way to the register. You have to buy your own shopping bags! But you do get your coin back after you lock the shopping cart back up.

I have to admit…the nice thing about Poland is the currency exchange rate. After carrying all our groceries back and breaking a bag..whoops..I learned that we had gotten our big pump shampoo and conditioner bottles for about $3 U.S. Later on, we had our first meeting about what we were to be doing here this year. And then….my first Polish lesson. Oh my word! Did you know that Polish is one of the hardest languages to learn? After that train wreck of a lesson…I believe it! Don’t get me wrong the teacher was great. I just had no idea of what was going on. 

Yesterday, we had our second meeting and I had my first one on one tutor session. It was with this adorable, sweet 13 year-old girl named Julia who is very talented. She speaks Polish, English, and a little German. She composes her own music and takes videos on her go-pro. Next Tuesday, she is bringing her laptop to show me. And finally…..Today!!!!! This morning, if you’re anybody who’s anybody (by that, I mean my facebook friend) you’ve already seen my pictures from this adventure but I went to my first Polish Bazaar! It was wonderful and I learned how to ask for different things and such. We ended up buying raspberries, eggs, spinach, almonds, cucumbers, carrots, green beans, and honey. I have to admit, I was a little skeptical of this honey because it was white and kind of looked like my mom’s stroganoff sauce, for lack of a better comparison. (I’m sorry. My brain is so tired) But I trusted Tom, the director of my school. And I was right to trust him. Because this is easily the best honey I’ve ever had. Had another Polish lesson after this, learned the alphabet and I am pleased to say, I am actually starting to understand the language more!

Tomorrow I have Sabbath School and Church in Poland for the first time. Church is actually in the basement of the school. Sabbath School starts at 10 and then church follows. We were invited to Tom’s house for Sabbath lunch and then afterwards we are going to the country side for a bonfire. I don’t know what all this entails but just the words “country side” intrigue me. Poland is such a beautiful country. Expect pictures to come. 

I am excited for the many adventures and experiences this year will bring. Already I have now experienced living on my own, taking care of my own meals on a regular basis and I’ve realized how many every day things I take for granted over in America. Like paper towels for instance. Or always having vinegar because my mom is a vinegar freak. Not having to worry about getting toilet paper. Etc. So far, Renee and I have had a healthy, mozarella pizza. Tomato, cucumber, and lettuce sandwiches (for lunch). And a type of tomato noodle soup. Almost like ramen. Oh and a yummy tropical granola with yogurt in the mornings. I’ve come to realize, in three short (but so long!) days, that I’ve taken so many everyday items and culture comforts for granted. This week has already blasted through my comfort zones. But the people are friendly and the times I’ve had are fun. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my family. But I know God wants me here. He wants to teach me to depend on Him in any and all situations. And this is definitely conditioning me towards that. 

Please continue to pray for strength and courage to stay strong in the Lord. Blessings to all who come across this post and a Happy Sabbath to all my family and friends in different parts of the world. I love you guys! (:

*****extra: Sorry for any grammar or misspelling mistakes. I am way too tired and lazy right now to proofread. Please bear with me. haha

Here’s to you Shirley Temple

I didn’t have the completely regular 90s kid childhood. Every day after school, I’d go over to my grandma’s house. We’d play tic tac toe, we’d play connect four, we’d read books upon books. Another thing we did? Watch movies. They weren’t just any movies either. When I say I didn’t have the completely regular 90s kid childhood, this is what I meant: I didn’t grow up on Disney movies. I grew up on Shirley Temple. I had pretty much the whole collection. I’d sit there with my grandma and become entranced by her movies. The glitchy screen would roll what seemed like hours of credits before it even began, and then from there, the story would take me in and love me.

The end would come. Andddd repeat…I have no idea how many times I watched each movie. Let’s just say it was a lot. So I wake up today and a news banner had come across my screen saying that this iconic childhood star had died at 85. Her movies touched my life. They made my childhood a big part of what it was. I really don’t know how else to put it. So here’s to you Shirley Temple. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for the memories. They were grand.

Just because I can

Over thanksgiving break, I got to see The Hunger Games: Catching Fire….and yes, it was as awesome as it looked and everyone is saying.

I’ve read the books and it was a darn good adaptation compared to how most book-turned-into-a-movie things go. Say for example…the first hunger games. I mean, yeah it was alright. But…I missed Madge and the Avox girl. and…okay, you get the point. But Catching Fire was my favorite book out of the whole series so I was pretty proud of the movie. Take into account that I’ve got the hardest woman crush on Jennifer Lawrence (she really can do no wrong…seriously. Go to youtube, type in Jennifer Lawrence and you’ve got your whole day set) and I fell in love with the movie. Finnick was perfect. Everything was good. The acting was seriously top notch. You can never go wrong with Woody Harrelson..you just can’t. But anyways, I digress.

One of my favorite parts of going to the movies is the trailers before the movie starts. I looooveee it. I don’t know why exactly because I could just as easily youtube them. Again, on with the reason I’m typing this blog:

Vampire Academy. I’d heard about this movie coming out and I was excited. Here’s a random fact about me. I like vampire stories. Pretty much any of them. For those of you wondering, yes, I did enjoy Twilight both books and movies. If that takes me down a notch or if it makes you want to write me off well then….you suck. I would never do something that mean or shallow. So I liked the impossible and impractical love story. SUE ME. I’m pretty sure if we go through all the books you like, we’d find impossible and impractical stuff….hellllooooooo that’s what fiction is about. People don’t read books for boring stuff they find in their everyday lives. They read books to escape their reality. They read books to feel if only for those few hours, days, however long it takes you to read a book, that there could be something more. Okay sorry, rant over. I swear.

I watched the trailer (Vampire Academy) and I have to say, I wasn’t exactly sure what it was supposed to be about. Sooo I decided to read the series. That’s what I did over thanksgiving break..okay well over the last weekend of it anyways. And it was good. I loved it. In one of the books, I was actually crying my heart out over a scene it was so emotional. So, if you’re into vampires and paranormal fiction, if you’re into impossible and impractical romances that give you some modicum of hope, and you have not yet read the Vampire Academy series. Do so. And if you think they suck, well then…my bad and let’s agree to disagree.

After reading the series, I went back to youtube and watched the trailer for the movie and I have to say, I’m still inexplicably lost. I’m not exactly sure where they’re going with this but here’s another random factoid about me: once I start something like this, I have to finish it. Even if I don’t want to. Even if it might be painful for me. 

Ugh…I need to stop reading….

hahaha just kidding! That will never happen.

 

How I live Now

So I like those weird, different, indie movies. Okay, you caught me. I actually LOVE them. Growing up, every Saturday night my family and I would go out to Cici’s in the next town over (My town was/is substantially tiny: We now have a subway and a sonic).

Anyways, we’d gorge ourselves on pasta and pizza..still my favorite place ever to go out..and afterwards we’d go to Hollywood Video (before it ran out of business) and we’d rent about three videos. One that my dad had been wanting to watch, one my brother wanted to watch, and one I wanted to watch. My mom didn’t really care that much. It was a tradition that lasted a long time. When Hollywood shut down, we sometimes went to Blockbuster or the Video Place. Then Redbox came along. We grew up, my brother got a family and moved out, I started college, etc. We rarely ever do that anymore.

I’m telling you this story because I grew up on mainstream movies. It wasn’t a bad childhood. I actually loved our Saturday nights. Driving to the next town jamming out to 80s night on the radio. Stuffing our faces with fatty foods. Watching action movies and the one random romance I wanted to watch. It was perfect.

I guess it started my junior year of high school. I was on youtube to watch one video. You know how that goes. Pretty soon I got to trailers I never saw. Then my family got netflix and I clicked on the Independent category…and my relationship with indie flicks prospered from there.

The last three indie movies I watched: How I Live Now, Stuck in Love, and The Lifeguard.

Stuck in Love and The Lifeguard: I love Veronica Mars. Why is this relevant? Well Kristen Bell is Veronica Mars. Imagine my surprise when I find out that Kristen Bell is actually what seems to be a pretty cool person off screen. So I follow her and everything she does. She stars in The Lifeguard and she’s a supporting role in Stuck in Love. Both great movies. WATCH THEM.

I came across the How I Live Now trailer on youtube. It recommended it to me since I liked The Host, starring Saoirse Ronan. This indie film also starred Ronan. I watched the trailer and I had goosebumps from just the trailer. (You know it’s going to be good when that happens). Anyways, watched it. Loved it. yada yada yada.

One of the things I love most about indie films? (Because there is no way I can narrow it down to just one) The soundtracks. Ahhh. Such greatness.

Now down to the reason I wrote this whole post, this song: Home by Daughter, which I got from How I Live Now. It’s my song of the week. And month, and so on….<3  I love it because I can relate. And that’s all anyone ever wants to do. Relate.

So enjoy. And before anyone asks, yes I realize this is an “old” song by release date terms and that yes, maybe you’ve already heard it before. Relaxxxx. Listen to her lilting, haunting voice again. ENJOY.

 

When inspiration slams you in the gut

I can’t believe I’m sitting here, near tears. You confuse the heck out of me. The last time we spoke, we were kissing and the words you spoke made my heart pound,

“Why is it so hard to say goodbye to you?” you said as you held me in your arms.

“I don’t know,” I murmured as you looked into my eyes and kissed me softly.

You twined your hands in mine, wrapping your arms around to grab me in a hold that made me feel safe, secure, and wanted.

“I really should go,” you said.

“Go,” I spoke the one word aloud, hoping you would hear my plea in the silence, reading between the word that is there and the words that aren’t.

You heard my plea and that’s what you set out to answer if only for a few more minutes but then fear clenched your heart, didn’t it? You felt it too, I know you had too. That’s why you ran. That’s why you decided that it was time to leave. As you walk out my door for the first time, my heart is full and happy. I’m carefree, and light.

Later on, reality set in and I chastised myself abundantly. I was careless, so nonchalant. When really, all I was aching to do was talk to you about us. You flit into my life like a dream. Soft, warm, and fuzzy. Then when it’s time to leave, you make sure to leave your mark. Tearing open my walls and destroying them.

It’s not a pain I can’t survive. I can, I’m not weak. It’s just a pain I don’t like to feel. It’s a new kind of pain. All the other guys before were just that. Guys before. They didn’t make my pulse skyrocket. They didn’t make me shake with nervousness and want. You’re not my Soulmate. I know that. You’re not my true love, I’m aware of that too. I’m not so vain as to think that someone was created perfectly for me.

It’s slightly ironic because you’re actually all the things I never thought I’d end up wanting, I’d end up liking. You don’t call. You’re not clear and concise. The list goes on and on.

You make me question what is real and what is fake. Am I just a girl to pass the time? Ah, I’ve held out hope for the two of us for too long. Longer than I have for anybody else in this lifetime.

So now, in the present, as your voice penetrates my awareness as you talk to someone behind me, and tears are quickly filling my eyes, I decide. I’m done waiting. I’m done being confused. I’m done wondering if I mean as much to you as you mean to me. You no longer hold the power over me that I let you hold onto for so long. I’ve needed this, this closure. You haven’t given it to me, so I’m taking it for myself.

I don’t hate you, I could never hate you. I just want to live my life. What we had was sad, tragic, but ultimately beautiful.

As I finalize the decision in my head, the last images of us together are imprinted in my mind. And now I can finally be happy without chastising myself. Because it was beautiful and I want to thank you, for if nothing else, making me feel wanted.

 ********

Well, I was sitting here and these words literally poured out of my fingertips and onto my keyboard. I wanted to share it. I had to. It’s a closing scene in a book I want to write. Just a beautiful thing called life. I hope you can appreciate it, that it’s not too sappy or dark. It’s just truth to me. Yes, it is a little rough around the edges but I think it just adds to the rawness and the truth of what she just discovered. And hey, life is a little rough around the edges.

Storm Shells

Good day my blogger lovelies! It’s Monday, you have survived another week and tomorrow, I will have survived another month of school. Gah! Time is sure flying by.

This blog goes out to all my fellow bookworms out there. I am doing my very first book review on the third installment in a heart wrenching tale of what two people would do for love: Storm Shells (Book 3 of the Wishes Series)

G.J. Walker-Smith really knocks it out of the park this time. She hits AND closes all the questions I didn’t even know I had swirling around in my little mind. While ending the book with a very satisfying closing point, she also leaves it open for other important characters.

In order to get my point across, I need to rehash a little of what happened in Second Hearts (Book 2). That being said, if you have not read that book or the first one, Saving Wishes (Book 1), go no further and get the first and second books ASAP! The first book is currently free on Amazon Kindle and iBooks. Second Hearts (Book 2) is being priced at $2.99 on both sites which is definitely low price and worth it.

If you have read both of these books, then please, continue on and enjoy!

Second Hearts (Book 2 of the Wishes Series) leaves us wondering if Charli will ever get the beautiful ending she deserves. After finding out that Adam lied about promising to leave New York after law school….why Adam, why did you do that? Yeah so I was pretty mad at him. That’s an understatement.

What I love about these books is that it’s not a traditional love story. Charli and Adam don’t just have one struggle to get over and then everything is hunky-dory. Charli has to fight every step of the way to get the love she deserves and then when she realizes she’s not going to get it, at least not yet, she stands up for herself and walks away.

“We Weren’t giving up. We were just letting go for a while.” -Charli, Second Hearts (Book 2).

I loved the fact that Charli was strong and independent enough to walk away though. I was so proud of her! Still, I was wondering if Adam was ever going to step up to the plate and do something about how stupid he has been (because he already realizes he’s been the stupidest person in the world, he just doesn’t do anything about it).

Storm Shells (Book 3):

“I’ve jumped out of a tall tree this time, Alex,” I muttered.

He finally smiled, though it had a rueful tinge. “I’m standing at the bottom of it, Charli. You’ll be fine.”

That little, tiny excerpt from book 3 was all that I needed to know that everything, no matter the outcome would be okay and that I would be happy. It also is one of my favorite parts in the whole entire series. The relationships throughout these books are so intricate and beautiful, they draw you in.

The different twists and turns throughout Storm Shells will have you on your toes throughout the whole book. There are definitely a few chapters where I really hated Adam and his stupidity. Just like the first two books, you go through the gamut of emotions. This time though, there’s one emotion I didn’t expect to feel: suspense. Like I said, definitely some twists and turns.

If you love to read young adult/teen fiction, this series is definitely for you. If this is usually not your scene, you should branch out and be pleased and surprised by the way this story draws you in.

I read through this book in one sitting and I’ve never really been happier with an ending to a book like I have with this. I read tons of books. I’m a major bookworm. Books are like my air. So I’ve read a lot of stories from different authors. Some are good, some are okay, and some are just plain bad. None have really made me go after a series quite like this author though. After finishing Second Hearts I had to get the next book that instant. Imagine my depression when I found out it wasn’t released yet.

In order to find out the release of the third book, I went on a (electronic) man hunt and found this gem of an author: G.J. Walker-Smith. I asked, okay no begged if I could write my very first book review on this book and it has been my pleasure and honor to do so.

After reading these three books, I can’t wait for more from her.

Storm Shells (Book 3 in the Wishes Series) is currently set for release on Nov. 25, 2013. To keep up with more from this amazing author, you can find her here: https://www.facebook.com/gjwalkersmith

P.s. Thanks for the chance of a lifetime G.J. Walker-Smith, you made one of my dreams come true.

P.p.s. Have a great week my fellow bloggers and bookworms!

The All Around Student

My freshman year of high school, I went all in. I took all the recommended courses as well as honors choir, gymnastics, volleyball, and basketball. I would’ve played softball, if I enjoyed that sport. I also would’ve played soccer but its season coincided with volleyball season.

Midway through the year, I started having some major back pain. I remember it was so bad and I was just constantly in pain. I finally ended up going to two different chiropractors and they said the same thing, that I had little hairline fractures on my lower lumbar discs, which caused some “discomfort.” Yeah. Riiiiigggghhht. 

I was learning to tumble in gymnastics which constantly put pressure on my lower back by bending and well, tumbling. So I had to quit that and it tore me up. I walked around to my classes with a little back pillow and I had tons of pain killers on me. That resulted in me building a tolerance to said pain killers and here I am now. I don’t know if it’s not as bad or if I just got used to having back pain. It’s something I have to live with, I have a bad back. Sometimes I’ll do some things and I’ll wake up the next morning and say, ‘Well maybe that wasn’t such a bright idea.’ Part of it is probably that I’m just getting old and I don’t recover the way a child’s body does and the other part is that I have a bad back.

Anyways, I approached my freshman year of college so differently than my freshman year of high school. I didn’t try out for any sports, I didn’t do choir. I took my credit hours and I worked. That’s it. I didn’t do intramurals. I just didn’t really get involved. Part of the reason was because I wanted to get into the groove of things. I wanted to see how college worked for me before I overloaded my seemingly already full plate.

This year though, I’m back to trying to do everything. My credit hours, work, and a team sport I’ve never officially played before, soccer. I don’t regret anything I did last year. I made a decision based on instinct and I stick to it. I would’ve been always stressing and overworked because college is something completely different than what I’ve been expecting it to be my whole life.

That’s weird right? You grow up through all this education and one of the main reasons why you go through it is to prepare you for college, so that you can get a degree, and a stable job…but all of a sudden. College comes and more often than not, kids aren’t prepared for it and what they find. Hmm, food for thought I guess.

Sincerely,

Random reflections from a second year college student.

Back from the dead

Hi all who read my blog. It’s me, yes I am still alive. The reason I have been absent from the blogging scene for what seems like forever, is because I have been working at a camp this summer.

Honestly, I loved it there. I’m also in awe of how God works, I think I always will be though every time he takes my life and puts it where He wants it.

Storytime:

Back in February, I was coming back from the weekend into work mode. I open up my school email and I read all the emails I missed over the weekend. One of them attracted my attention, it was an email saying that a camp director was here for the weekend looking for  people to work at his camp.

Just a few days before, my best friend and I were talking about what we were going to do for our summer plans and that we really needed to get jobs because the struggle is real for tuition. We wanted to do something fun and different though and I really wanted to get out of my small hometown.

So I come into work and I see the email and I’m like hold up, why don’t we work here as lifeguards or something? So I text my bestie and I’m like, ‘yo, what do you think about working as lifeguards at camp in the sunshine state this summer?’ She was down and that’s the beginning of how we got here.

It turns out the director had just left that Sunday so we had missed him and I was honestly devastated but my friend told me to email him anyways saying we were interested, so I did and guess what?

He emailed back telling us to apply and the morning after we emailed our applications in, we got hired. The funny thing is, the only positions he had left? Lifeguard positions. So that was that, we were hired for a camp we’d never been to and we had no idea what was to come. All we could do at this point was wait.

As the months turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into days, we were getting more and more excited. We were about to embark on a 15 hour road trip in a manual car. (We learned to drive stick shift in just a few weeks before we left.) Everything that was iffy and difficult about this trip just disappeared and things fell into place.

When we got there, I remember I was so scared and nervous. I mean, I’m a pretty outgoing person but I had just put myself in a place I had never been before and I didn’t really even know a soul, other than my best friend who kept me from having a panic attack. So we go into the place where staff registration was taking place and just kind of floated through that, went to the mini lodge we were staying in for the staff week and there we took it all in.

What did I get myself into this time? Doubts assailed me, I am a small town girl through and through. The person who kept me grounded was my best friend and I thought about the scare I had when she didn’t know if she would be able to come. Of course though, God worked it out.

Staff week went by as slow as possible and we were all ready for camp to get going. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun…when we weren’t in sessions. I was slowly getting acquainted with the place and the people. I was slowly falling in love with camp.

It’s amazing because it was only a month but it felt like a whole other lifetime. Camp started and my best friend and I were exhausted all the time but so happy and having so much fun. We loved our jobs, our boss, and our kids. We made friends for life in one month and memories that I’ll tell my kids about. It was an amazing experience and we decided during the first week of camp that we were definitely coming back.

As we were leaving camp, we were really just a mess and I was crying and our emotions were all over the place. I put my ipod on shuffle and Don’t Stop Believin’ came on and we shouted along at the top of our lungs and then, we felt a little better.

So now I’m back in my small little town and I miss the beautiful simplicity of camp life. It was sort of like an escape, a much needed one.

One of my favorite places

Fake me VS. Real me: The Art of Cover-up

Makeup. What a difference it can make. I mean, I already knew this and you probably did too. But I mean seriously, take me for instance.

For people who regularly read my blog, you know (or should know) that last night was the opening performance of the play my university’s English department is putting on, Twelfth Night by Shakespeare.

So our director told us to put on loads of makeup, especially around the eyes, to make our facial features and expressions easier to see from the audience’s vantage point.

Now, when I was younger (like high school) I used to wear makeup all the time because of well, I was a teen and that’s what most teenage girls were doing at the time. I know, I know, peer pressure and all that. So doing my own makeup for the play was easy. After I got home and it was time to wipe the makeup off, I decided to take a before and after picture that I will put at the end of this blog. Fake me VS. Real me.

The thing was, I was raised in a conservative family in a conservative little Texas town where if you wore any trace of makeup you were considered what my mom likes to term, a Jezebel. So I didn’t really wear much makeup, couldn’t paint my nails, color my hair, anything pretty much every girl does on a regular basis.

I’m not trying to say that I hate my parents for it. I mean, it was annoying being chastised for wearing something that I thought made me look pretty or having momentary embarrassment but I never was like, Ohmygosh, I hate my parents so much! Goodbye cruel world. Woe is me! stuff. It was just…annoying. Now though, I’m thankful for those restrictions because I’ve seen some girls who get addicted to that stuff and have to do it. I’m comfortable with or without it, a nice balance, so kudos to you momma.

My journey with self discovery (makeup & fashion wise) began the summer before I started 7th grade. I was at summer camp and one of my cabin mates was a makeup expert (or so my little 13 year old self thought, looking back she was pretty good though) and she introduced me to what us girls like to call eyeliner. She put it on me for a banquet we were having and I la la la loved it! I thought it made me look older and popped my boring brown eyes out. I was so happy with the results that I was skipping back to our cabin to finish getting ready, I walked in and that’s when it happened. My first hater, my first test of strength as I like to call it. Another very conservative cabin mate looked at me, disgusted, and said, “What happened to your eyes? That is so ugly, you look like a whore.”

Ahhh, the pain of my little 7th grader heart. It was painful then, it was my first experience and I was very conservative also. I felt like a rebel, if only my mother could see me now. Back then, wearing that black eyeliner was like the equivalent of losing my virginity. The Summer I Lost My Makeup Virginity. 😉 

I know that seems to some, a little bit much, but for me it was not. So I was already feeling guilty & rebellious (bad mix) and now the second person to see me thought I looked ugly.

I couldn’t do it, my throat started tightening and tears started to well up in my eyes, I felt disappointment I knew would come from my mother if she saw me then and defeat. Alas, my hero, our counselor was there and she chastised the girl and took me by the shoulders, (out of all my years at camp, she was the best counselor I would ever have by far and to this day, she doesn’t know what kind of impact she had on me, I didn’t either) and she said, “Don’t listen to her, you look beautiful. She is just jealous. There will always be girls and people like that, but you can’t let them shake you. You gotta do your own thing. Always.” Ne’er was a truer tale than this. There will always be jealous haters, people who look down on you, people who judge you, people better at stuff than you, etc. One of the biggest things is how you deal with it.

She then took me back to the bathrooms and fixed my face and hair. That was an amazing thing for her to do. Maybe the advice was a little simple and possibly cliche/redundant but for my 13 year old self esteem? It worked like a charm. Everyone else that night told me I look amazing/beautiful/cute/pretty/etc. and from that point on, you could say I was hooked on the high of looking good, aka, makeup.

It wasn’t easy. For the first year, I would try to be sneaky and go to the dollar store down the street and get the cheap stuff. All I wore was eyeliner. I don’t know what happened with my mother, but she relented saying that it would just look weird if I went back to no eyeliner.

8th Grade came around and I started playing with eye shadows, not wearing them to school, just at home with my dollar store makeup pretending I was a beautiful princess or something like that.

High school came and by then I was wearing makeup all the time. I never needed cover-up or foundation though, thankfully I got good genes and acne was not a part of my makeup (genetically speaking, I know, I know, lame pun. Whatever.) I started buying those eye shadows where they tell you exactly how to put it on and what color goes where and I guess that’s how I learned to do my own makeup.  I just played around with colors until I found a combo that worked or something I liked.

My mother could never really help me because she didn’t wear that type of stuff and I never asked her. I know a lot of mothers and daughters who bond over stuff like that but I don’t feel any love lost or some type of deprivation. It’s just not who we are or where are relationship is based.

Back in 9th/10th grade, I used to feel like I always had to have makeup on and my hair fixed. I knew (or thought I knew) that I looked fine without makeup. I was lucky to have the support system and family I was born into. They built me up, for the most part, and made me believe that I had some natural help. 11th/12th I still did my makeup but only when I felt like doing it or for special days or church. I didn’t care so much for my appearance and some probably thought I was a slob or some sort but hey, do I see them now? Are their thoughts of me the most important thing on my radar? Nope. Not at all.

Around the time I got pretty good at doing my own makeup, I got kind of, well, tired of it. It’s just that,

1. It’s not me: What I mean is, it’s a cover-up, a facade if you will. It’s a tool used by many to get people to like you or think you’re pretty. I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but I’ve seen people who wear makeup all the time then when it comes time to take it off or they had a bad day or woke up late…..lemme tell you, it is not that pretty. People get so used to what they see on a daily basis that when you decide to take it off or change or what have you, it’s just shocking sometimes. I want people in my life who like me for me. Glasses, braces, (back when I had them) crazy unruly hair and all. I don’t want people in my life who like me for what I represent or look like when I have makeup on. I used to like the looks people gave me when I had makeup on but now I realize that, for the most part, attracted superficial people. And I DON’T like superficial people.

2. I originally wore glasses, then I got contacts in high school and I kind of switched back and forth. Contacts though, can be a bother. Also, half the time I’m tired so I yawn, which causes tears. Back in high school I had it down to a science. Now, that I don’t wear makeup as often as I used to, I’m forgetful. So I go to swipe my eyes or rub them and then I’m like OH crap! I’ve got make up on. How annoying.

3. Oh my word it is so annoying to take off. I use waterproof mascara and eyeliner, because hey, you never know what will happen and I am a hormonal woman. (; And my face is super sensitive so I have to use a special brand of wipes or else my face gets irritated but then I have to rub and rub and rub to get the eyeliner and mascara off. First world problems.

Man this post has gotten long, but I had a lot to say on the subject I guess. So in conclusion, makeup and I have what you call a love/hate relationship. When I need a good confidence booster, I’ll put on makeup and try to look pretty but for the most part, I’m okay in my own skin. When it gets down to it, that’s the most important and number one hardest thing any of us will ever have to learn: Being okay/comfortable/confident in your own skin and making your lot in life work.

Now, one of my favorite things about makeup, is doing it for someone else. I love it when people ask me to do their makeup because I love the look of confidence that enters their eyes once they see themselves. I love giving them tips on how to do it and how to start to learn to do it yourself. I love making a girl feel like they are the most beautiful thing in the world, which they are, with or without makeup. I look at makeup as the making or breaking point of a girl’s first step to being confident and comfortable. Thankfully for me, it was a making point.

Well, that’s me and my journey of self discovery, give or take a few experiences.

Fake me VS. Real me

In the words of an awesome girl who’s recently getting a lot of hate for being confident and comfortable in her own skin:

Don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine.

Trolololol

Today, my friend posted a 9gag on my wall that I just had to repost on here. 

She said it reminded her of me. Which is so true. We were just driving the other day and this happened. It actually happens at least once every. single. time. I’m driving. 

It’s so annoying because I’ll be driving along when all of a sudden, the car in front of me blindly turns left or right. Seriously? Okay, I understand when you’re searching for a street or house number or whatever. But girl, (or guy) you saw that taco bell a mile back. You can work. that. turn. signal. Go ‘head! Don’t be shy. 

Or when you’re sitting there waiting to turn on a road and the car you’ve been waiting for turns on your road without a blinker……….. -_- Did you really just see me wait and make me wait more when you knew you could have turned on the blinker to alert me that there was no point in waiting? One little switch of a finger, it’s not that hard. People these days.

Life and people are such trolls. haha Okay, that’s my semi rant of the day. But seriously. That’s how I feel. every. single. time.