So….it’s been a while since I posted a blog. GASP. For all those wondering where all my ramblings were, they’ve been in my brain…where they probably should stay. I could see myself getting into the habit of keeping it in my brain due to exhaustion. But I know that’s not fair to those wondering how my life is going over here. And because I’ve gotten a lot of complaints about there being no blog…. -_-
Alas. I am a people pleaser. So here it is. My: It’s my second month here blog! Just a few thoughts on that…
Wow…it’s been a month since I’ve heard fluent English.
It’s been a month since I’ve used a dryer.
It’s been a month since I’ve seen a dryer. Or microwave.
It’s been over a month since I’ve worn makeup.
It’s been a month since I’ve had any type of Hispanic deliciousness.
It’s been a month since I’ve seen (in person) my boyfriend and family back home.
And much, much more. There’s been a lot on my mind lately. The fact that day by day I am slowly going the longest I have ever been away from home seems to dominate my mind lately. That is, when I’m not consumed with the life that is lesson planning. I’ve come to respect all the teachers that I’ve had in my life, even the ones I didn’t particularly like or thought that they shouldn’t have been a teacher. Because now, I can understand why they were so grumpy all the time. The time and devotion it takes to plan one class period is intense. I wish I could go back to being the student who only had to listen. I had my first dream of strangling a student the other week…lol. I wonder if that’s a dream that all teachers have at one point, or if I’m just crazy…
All in all, teaching is crazy and exhausting but it’s an accomplishment all in its own. I can come up with lesson after lesson for every week. I don’t know where I get this stuff. Just kidding. The teacher’s book tells me what to do haha. I just try to make it as interesting and interactive as I can. I’ve realized that the worships and prayer I was able to have at the beginning of every class I’ve ever been in is just another something I’ve taken for granted. I can’t do that with any of my classes. I pray alone, minutes before classes. But my classes are for the most part, good. And my students like me. I think.
I’ve lost weight which I guess is a good thing. Everything food related in stores is such a smaller portion than what you’d usually buy in an American store, it’s insane. And coming from a family who’s always loved Sam’s and Costco, it is definitely an adjustment. But just this one thing, portion control, is already teaching me to not be such a pig. Even if I wanted to be, the McDonald’s in town is wayyyy too far to go to on the daily. Thank you, laziness.
One thing I’ve come to realize is that things are different here but inherently the same, if that makes sense. We’re all people. We all use the same words. They just sound ridiculously different. We all have the same emotions. We all live a life. The plots may be drastically different but we are all equal. We are all just trying to figure out what works best. Since I’ve been here, this is probably the most I’ve been in tune with news going on around the world, and it makes me so…depressed. “You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places.” – Matthew 24: 6-7. I’m so tired of this world. I’m so tired of sin and its cruelty. But I am trying not to be alarmed because there is an endgame to all of this pointless, self-inflicted suffering. Because, “Immediately after the distress of those days
“The sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; The stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.”
At that time the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the sky, and all the nations of the earth will mourn. They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory. And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other.” Matt. 24: 29-31. There is an endgame. Thank you Jesus, there is an endgame.
Well. I don’t have anything that thought provoking or life changing. Other than the fact that my life is totally different than what I’d ever expected. I’m trying to be thankful for everything that happens in my life. I’m just living life one day at a time, as it comes. Moving right along…
The world through my eyes. It’s all just a blur with startling moments of clarity in between. (On the shuttle to Koszalin every Thurs.)
I’ve heard from a little birdie…(my mom)…that my blogs are read quite often and that I have a certain following of people that keep up with my blog, ask for my blog site, have my blog read to them, etc. Needless to say, it’s a little intimidating and a tad overwhelming. Half the time, I’m never even sure I’ll have a weekly update to give. I wanted to blog because this was sort of my way of journaling. I get tired of writing, I’d much rather type. Call me new age or whatever, but hey, I am. I was also killing two birds with one stone. Keep my mom updated through my blog. Because let’s be honest. We all know any free time I have goes to talking with my boyfriend. What can I say? I’m dedicated. (I love you mommy!)
So obviously I expected some randoms to read my blog, I mean it is an online blog. But to have a following of people who are eagerly awaiting my next post…it’s…weird. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the support and interest, I really am. It’s just…like I said, intimidating. I’m sitting here writing, trying to make sure I don’t make some horrendous grammatical taboo or such. I’m also questioning everything I say and how well it will be received. But then I am reminded. I’m not writing for anyone but myself. Sounds selfish right? Well I guess it is. Years from now when I am living my life, and I let the stressors of everyday life come in between me and my God, I want to be able to look back and recall the lessons I learned during my time here in Poland.
God has had His hands all over this since the beginning. Everything that led up to this, He orchestrated perfectly. And I’d be crazy not to acknowledge that. I’d be crazy to forget that. So for those of you that are wondering what is going on in your life, why certain things are happening, why certain people leave or enter your life, it’s because God is working. Constantly working, in overtime, trying to give you a future; His future. Yes. Even when you’re already old and you think you’ve done everything you possibly could have to spread the good news. Every day you live out on this world, God has a purpose for you. Every day. He is not finished with you.
Where to start? Well I had another interesting Sabbath, it was a bit chillier than my last one but that’s okay. Because this Sabbath we went to the countryside for a bonfire! But I get ahead of myself. We walked to the school for church and had the opening service and then we were split up to go have our Sabbath school lessons. This Sabbath the lesson was about, wonder of all wonders, the Sabbath! Why it was created and what purpose it served for us. “And He said to them, ‘The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. Therefore the Son of Man is also Lord of the Sabbath.’” I found this verse to be so powerful. We, as sinful human beings, were not made for the Sabbath. The Sabbath was actually made for us. This verse tells me that the Sabbath was a gift from God. Growing up, I never fully understood what was so great about a day of rest. After these last few years, I absolutely love the Sabbath and the rest and replenishing it grants for my weary soul. As a rambunctious youngster, I didn’t grasp God’s mercy. But as I’m coming to daily realize, God always has us in His loving mind.
After church, we had our first church potluck and I have to say, I LOVE POLISH FOOD! I love perogies. I love potatoes. I love it all. But as we sat around in the little room eating, all the fellowship and enjoyment that was going around seemed to slap me in the face. These church members are so sweet and welcoming but I was finally coming to realize the extent of the language barrier between us. I know very limited polish. They know very limited English. Limited polish + limited English = very limited conversation. And I being a writer and “deep thinker” thrive on conversation. I thrive on words. Here there are very few words spoken between us. The happiness that was on the faces of the church members, because of what was being talked about, I wasn’t a part of. And it hurt. It made me miss my friends, my church potlucks, and the fellowship and conversation I had with likeminded people.
I guess I let that feeling, the feeling of ‘the outsider’, rule me throughout the week. We went to the countryside later and had a bonfire. It was really a lot of fun. I got to pick blackberries and raspberries from the bushes, which I haven’t done since I was little. I forgot how delicious they were straight from the garden. We toasted bread, ate sunflower seeds and nuts. It was an afternoon of continuous eating. It was wondrous! Haha. Then later on, some of the ladies started wrapping potatoes in foil, and they put them in the coals and ashes under the fire and let them bake. After, we added butter and salt, it was so delicious! We went home, had enough time to change and walk to the gym the church rents to play volleyball.
Sunday was a day of relaxation at its finest. I read a book, skyped my boyfriend, and chatted with friends back home. Monday came and went; I just had one session with Ernest, my 8 year-old. Which if you’re wondering, it went so much better than our first lesson. He gave me a hug at the beginning and end of the lesson. Tuesday, I had my lesson with Julia, my 13 year-old who is very advanced. We watched an English movie with subtitles and she really loves it and can’t wait to finish it next week. Wednesday, yesterday, was also relatively easy until my lesson with two 16 year-old girls. They are great and sweet. But very shy! And they don’t understand much English so our conversation is very limited. During these tutor sessions, I’m not so much a grammatical English teacher; these sessions are dedicated to perfecting conversational English.
After that lesson, I started to stress about what I was going to do for next week. This did not help me because since this past Saturday, I had been in a state of constant stress and anxiety. Thursday, today, was/is my most taxing day mentally because I go through multiple back-to-back sessions with a variety of different levels and age groups. So what might be good for one group isn’t always the best or even remotely understood with the next one. I had downloaded some apps and read through some different materials, planning things to do with each group. I was also stressing because next week, my actual classes start and tomorrow (Friday) we have mock lessons. Wednesday night I was very irritable and I started to fold. I felt alone and the reality of my situation was crashing into me in waves.
My healing finally came when…places of all places…I went to take a shower. This is one the first real cry sessions I’ve had since I’ve been here and boy was it good! Haha. As I cried out to God, He answered. You see, I had been searching for the type of support that nobody can give me except for God. I had been searching for strength in others when I should have been asking for His strength. As I apologized, I came to my realization for the week: I am an empty vessel. Full of useless, worthless things. I am weak. I am selfish. Bitter. Prideful. Etc. I am filled with all these sinful desires and nothing good comes from my hands. But when I call out to God, when I ask him daily to fill me up with the Fruits of the Spirit, to fill me up with His love…I am HIS vessel. I am strong. I am selfless. I am sweet. But until that moment, until I continually ask Him daily to fill me up, I am empty and empty I will remain.
In Galatians 5:16-26, the bible talks about Life by the Spirit. “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” Verse 16. It goes on to talk about the desires and acts of the sinful nature and what will happen to those who live by this nature. It gets really depressing. But then. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Verses 22-23. A lot of people ask for the fruits. “Oh! These fruits sound awesome! I want to be happy and have peace. I want…” What they don’t always realize is that you can’t have the fruits without the Spirit. The fruits and the Spirit go hand in hand. It says it plain as day, “But the fruit OF the Spirit is…”
So, with reverence and all the want in the world, I asked for the fruit of the Spirit and boy did I get. For a long time I have held bitterness in my heart towards a few people and I’ve never been able to let it go. I think my selfish human nature actually wanted to hold on to it. But I, filled with Jesus, did not want it anymore. By the grace of God, he gave me strength to face my fears and let the bitterness go. I left my shower convicted of what I needed to do. I reached out to these people and I was amazingly and thankfully well received. Again. I cried! Haha sorry. I’m emotional! It was a night of a healing for long-held emotional scars. I immediately felt unhindered from God in a way I haven’t experienced since I was a child.
Today was a good day. All my lessons went great. I even had my first experience to witness. I was asking one of my groups what they did for the weekend and then one girl unexpectedly asked me what I did for my weekend. I sent up a prayer and started to tell her from Friday. As I came to the Sabbath and said that I went to church, it sparked up a series of questions. I explained how and why I worshipped. We talked about how Poland is mostly catholic but a lot of people are not devout and they only go for holiday services. She asked many questions about where I was from and if everyone there was Adventist. Then she asked me why I came to Poland which opened up an even deeper discussion when I mentioned I came as a student missionary. Then later, in my last lesson, I had my Sabbath School quarterly out on the table and as one of my girls was leaving the big JESUS caught her eye. She looked at it, looked at me, and said, “I’m confused.” I got to explain to her what it was and what we did with it. She is also catholic. She said that Catholicism, Protestantism, and all the religions that fall under that realm are all very different. I agreed. We came to the conclusion though that as long as you truly love God and follow Him that it really shouldn’t matter what you label yourself.
Praises: I successfully used public transportation all by myself today!! With no complications!
I ask that you please pray for me and the impact I will have on all my students as the school year approaches. None of my students are Adventist; most of them are actually secular. This opens up huge opportunities for witnessing, not only in conversation, but also in the way I present myself. In the way they see me act and live. “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” –Jesus to his disciples; Matthew 16:24
God decided to give me a show out in the countryside to close out the Sabbath.
Anchor Away and Setting Sail 