Empty Vessel

I’ve heard from a little birdie…(my mom)…that my blogs are read quite often and that I have a certain following of people that keep up with my blog, ask for my blog site, have my blog read to them, etc. Needless to say, it’s a little intimidating and a tad overwhelming. Half the time, I’m never even sure I’ll have a weekly update to give. I wanted to blog because this was sort of my way of journaling. I get tired of writing, I’d much rather type. Call me new age or whatever, but hey, I am. I was also killing two birds with one stone. Keep my mom updated through my blog. Because let’s be honest. We all know any free time I have goes to talking with my boyfriend. What can I say? I’m dedicated. (I love you mommy!)

So obviously I expected some randoms to read my blog, I mean it is an online blog. But to have a following of people who are eagerly awaiting my next post…it’s…weird. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the support and interest, I really am. It’s just…like I said, intimidating. I’m sitting here writing, trying to make sure I don’t make some horrendous grammatical taboo or such. I’m also questioning everything I say and how well it will be received. But then I am reminded. I’m not writing for anyone but myself. Sounds selfish right? Well I guess it is. Years from now when I am living my life, and I let the stressors of everyday life come in between me and my God, I want to be able to look back and recall the lessons I learned during my time here in Poland.

God has had His hands all over this since the beginning. Everything that led up to this, He orchestrated perfectly. And I’d be crazy not to acknowledge that. I’d be crazy to forget that. So for those of you that are wondering what is going on in your life, why certain things are happening, why certain people leave or enter your life, it’s because God is working. Constantly working, in overtime, trying to give you a future; His future. Yes. Even when you’re already old and you think you’ve done everything you possibly could have to spread the good news. Every day you live out on this world, God has a purpose for you. Every day. He is not finished with you.

Where to start? Well I had another interesting Sabbath, it was a bit chillier than my last one but that’s okay. Because this Sabbath we went to the countryside for a bonfire! But I get ahead of myself. We walked to the school for church and had the opening service and then we were split up to go have our Sabbath school lessons. This Sabbath the lesson was about, wonder of all wonders, the Sabbath! Why it was created and what purpose it served for us. “And He said to them, ‘The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. Therefore the Son of Man is also Lord of the Sabbath.’” I found this verse to be so powerful. We, as sinful human beings, were not made for the Sabbath. The Sabbath was actually made for us. This verse tells me that the Sabbath was a gift from God. Growing up, I never fully understood what was so great about a day of rest. After these last few years, I absolutely love the Sabbath and the rest and replenishing it grants for my weary soul. As a rambunctious youngster, I didn’t grasp God’s mercy. But as I’m coming to daily realize, God always has us in His loving mind.

After church, we had our first church potluck and I have to say, I LOVE POLISH FOOD! I love perogies. I love potatoes. I love it all. But as we sat around in the little room eating, all the fellowship and enjoyment that was going around seemed to slap me in the face. These church members are so sweet and welcoming but I was finally coming to realize the extent of the language barrier between us. I know very limited polish. They know very limited English. Limited polish + limited English = very limited conversation. And I being a writer and “deep thinker” thrive on conversation. I thrive on words. Here there are very few words spoken between us. The happiness that was on the faces of the church members, because of what was being talked about, I wasn’t a part of. And it hurt. It made me miss my friends, my church potlucks, and the fellowship and conversation I had with likeminded people.

I guess I let that feeling, the feeling of ‘the outsider’, rule me throughout the week. We went to the countryside later and had a bonfire. It was really a lot of fun. I got to pick blackberries and raspberries from the bushes, which I haven’t done since I was little. I forgot how delicious they were straight from the garden. We toasted bread, ate sunflower seeds and nuts. It was an afternoon of continuous eating. It was wondrous! Haha. Then later on, some of the ladies started wrapping potatoes in foil, and they put them in the coals and ashes under the fire and let them bake. After, we added butter and salt, it was so delicious! We went home, had enough time to change and walk to the gym the church rents to play volleyball.

Sunday was a day of relaxation at its finest. I read a book, skyped my boyfriend, and chatted with friends back home. Monday came and went; I just had one session with Ernest, my 8 year-old. Which if you’re wondering, it went so much better than our first lesson. He gave me a hug at the beginning and end of the lesson. Tuesday, I had my lesson with Julia, my 13 year-old who is very advanced. We watched an English movie with subtitles and she really loves it and can’t wait to finish it next week. Wednesday, yesterday, was also relatively easy until my lesson with two 16 year-old girls. They are great and sweet. But very shy! And they don’t understand much English so our conversation is very limited. During these tutor sessions, I’m not so much a grammatical English teacher; these sessions are dedicated to perfecting conversational English.

After that lesson, I started to stress about what I was going to do for next week. This did not help me because since this past Saturday, I had been in a state of constant stress and anxiety. Thursday, today, was/is my most taxing day mentally because I go through multiple back-to-back sessions with a variety of different levels and age groups. So what might be good for one group isn’t always the best or even remotely understood with the next one. I had downloaded some apps and read through some different materials, planning things to do with each group. I was also stressing because next week, my actual classes start and tomorrow (Friday) we have mock lessons. Wednesday night I was very irritable and I started to fold. I felt alone and the reality of my situation was crashing into me in waves.

My healing finally came when…places of all places…I went to take a shower. This is one the first real cry sessions I’ve had since I’ve been here and boy was it good! Haha. As I cried out to God, He answered. You see, I had been searching for the type of support that nobody can give me except for God. I had been searching for strength in others when I should have been asking for His strength. As I apologized, I came to my realization for the week: I am an empty vessel. Full of useless, worthless things. I am weak. I am selfish. Bitter. Prideful. Etc. I am filled with all these sinful desires and nothing good comes from my hands. But when I call out to God, when I ask him daily to fill me up with the Fruits of the Spirit, to fill me up with His love…I am HIS vessel. I am strong. I am selfless. I am sweet. But until that moment, until I continually ask Him daily to fill me up, I am empty and empty I will remain.

In Galatians 5:16-26, the bible talks about Life by the Spirit. “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” Verse 16. It goes on to talk about the desires and acts of the sinful nature and what will happen to those who live by this nature. It gets really depressing. But then. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Verses 22-23. A lot of people ask for the fruits. “Oh! These fruits sound awesome! I want to be happy and have peace. I want…” What they don’t always realize is that you can’t have the fruits without the Spirit. The fruits and the Spirit go hand in hand. It says it plain as day, “But the fruit OF the Spirit is…”

So, with reverence and all the want in the world, I asked for the fruit of the Spirit and boy did I get. For a long time I have held bitterness in my heart towards a few people and I’ve never been able to let it go. I think my selfish human nature actually wanted to hold on to it. But I, filled with Jesus, did not want it anymore. By the grace of God, he gave me strength to face my fears and let the bitterness go. I left my shower convicted of what I needed to do. I reached out to these people and I was amazingly and thankfully well received. Again. I cried! Haha sorry. I’m emotional! It was a night of a healing for long-held emotional scars. I immediately felt unhindered from God in a way I haven’t experienced since I was a child.

Today was a good day. All my lessons went great. I even had my first experience to witness. I was asking one of my groups what they did for the weekend and then one girl unexpectedly asked me what I did for my weekend. I sent up a prayer and started to tell her from Friday. As I came to the Sabbath and said that I went to church, it sparked up a series of questions. I explained how and why I worshipped. We talked about how Poland is mostly catholic but a lot of people are not devout and they only go for holiday services. She asked many questions about where I was from and if everyone there was Adventist. Then she asked me why I came to Poland which opened up an even deeper discussion when I mentioned I came as a student missionary. Then later, in my last lesson, I had my Sabbath School quarterly out on the table and as one of my girls was leaving the big JESUS caught her eye. She looked at it, looked at me, and said, “I’m confused.” I got to explain to her what it was and what we did with it. She is also catholic. She said that Catholicism, Protestantism, and all the religions that fall under that realm are all very different. I agreed. We came to the conclusion though that as long as you truly love God and follow Him that it really shouldn’t matter what you label yourself.

Praises: I successfully used public transportation all by myself today!! With no complications!

I ask that you please pray for me and the impact I will have on all my students as the school year approaches. None of my students are Adventist; most of them are actually secular. This opens up huge opportunities for witnessing, not only in conversation, but also in the way I present myself. In the way they see me act and live. “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” –Jesus to his disciples; Matthew 16:24

God decided to give me a show out in the countryside to close out the Sabbath.

The fire-baked potatoes! ft. Renee’s uggs

Choose love. Always.

The Remedy of Uncertainty

I have to be completely honest….Sadly, I did not come up with that really good title. I stole it from my devotional book. But it is completely fitting for this post. So I started to write from where I left off but soon realized that if I did that, this would be a really long (probably boring) post! So I have decided to write about just today and then maybe post about week two tomorrow.

God has a sense of humor and definitely knows what I need before I know myself. This week I was told that it was a possibility that I would go to a city called Koszalin to teach in an apartment. Needless to say I was skeptical. But today has easily been the best day I’ve had since I’ve gotten here, with this past Sabbath a close second, or tied actually. I was told that an office worker would come to my apartment today at 11:05 and take me to my 11:20 shuttle to Koszalin. 11:10 came and I feared I was forgotten. Which I was but it made for quite the start to this day. Kasia, the office worker, ran to my place and from the time we started running to catch the shuttle we had 3 minutes. For some reason, I chose to wear a long maxi dress, cardigan, scarf, and a pair of toms-like shoes. During my impromptu jog, all of this was quite annoying. From the looks I got while running, I knew I was quite a sight! Holding my maxi dress up, trying to keep my cardigan from flying off, and trying not to slip on cobblestone streets. The whole entire time we were running I was praying, “Jesus, if you want me to go to Koszalin today, I know you will make a way.” Jesus made a way. By some miracle, we made it and I got onto the shuttle. By this time, I realized I had forgotten my water bottle and that is was HOT! I put my hair up and took my cardigan off and started fanning myself with a book I had. Again, quite the sight.

As I cooled down from an adventurous start, my heart and nerves begin to take flight. I had to make sure to get off at the right stop and this shuttle made multiple stops. I, as a small town girl, suck at and know nothing about public transportation. And that’s public transportation in my own language! (refer to funny LA story where my boyfriend and I tried to take public transportation from the airport to the Polish consulate to get my visa….yeah…we ended up running two miles with 30 minutes on our time clock). I was working myself into a fit of nerves and I started to feel overwhelmed. I finally said to myself, “Emily. You need to stop. God wants you here. He wants you to go. He will get you there and He will get you there safely.” I got out my iPod and put on my Jesus playlist and this is one of the first instances in my day where God has a sense of humor. “I’m Letting Go” by Francesca Battistelli comes on and waves of peace wash over me and I start to become overwhelmed for a different reason entirely (YouTube link embedded at the end of this post). So for the rest of the trip, I worshiped and calmed my nerves in one of the best ways. I prayed fervently for this day. And…always in a rush, I almost got off a stop too early but the shuttle driver said no. I got off near a train station, looked around, and looked at the time. I was about 10 minutes ahead of schedule. Karolina, the lady who ran classes out of the Koszalin apartment was not there. I texted Tom and he texted back saying she would be there within 5-10 minutes.

Ten minutes later, a young woman approached me and asked my name questioningly. I was kind of upset about looking so out of place until she told me that she had been sent a picture of me the previous night…haha. From there, she showed me how to get to the bus I would take to the apartment, how to read the timetable and which bus number I would be taking. And then she showed me how to take the shuttle back to Kolobrzeg and how to read that timetable. We then went in her car on the route the bus would take me and she pointed out where I would get off and walk to the apartments. And I learned how to buy a bus ticket in Polish: Jeden ulgowy prosze = One discount ticket please. (Enter sarcastic yay for more public transportation.) I instantly clicked with Karolina and talking with her put me completely at ease. We parked and she then bought me some delicious treat from a bakery since I forgot to bring a lunch. We went to the apartment where I would be teaching for the afternoon and it was adorable. (some pictures of my room will be at the end of this post) We sat down in her office and she told me my schedule:

1:45 – Ola, Victoria, and Patricia (60 min)

3:30 – Veronica, Michael, Maria, and Bartek (45 min)

4:15 – Ola and Ala (45 min)

5 – Ola, Ola, and Ola…and yes..I’m serious. (60 min)

6 – Max (45 min)

For some reason…I don’t know why…maybe because I didn’t have time for it and Karolina kept talking to me, I didn’t freak out over having that many sessions in one day. Karolina asked me about myself and I got to show her my family and my boyfriend. We talked and had good conversation. I also had my first cup of coffee since coming to Poland…and it was AMAZING!!!! It was some type of natural coffee. Point is, Karolina has offered to make it for me every time I come! Soon enough, it was time for my first lesson. I had little time to prepare for my first session so it was kind of unorganized and hectic. Also two girls were way more advanced than one girl, so in the end I just let them play hangman. My second session went much smoother because I had decided to make a loose outline instead of just going by ear. Each session got better and better until my three Ola’s. It ended up that they had sat in order of age: 15, 16, and 17. And it was at this time especially that I realized God has brought me here for a reason and He has placed all these people, these students, in my life for a reason. However random and uncertain this day seemed, it was all planned out by the author of my life. I am so thankful and in awe of His love, mercy, and grace He showers me with on the daily here in Poland. Being completely out of my comfort zone allows me to realize it and fully experience it so much more than I normally would.

My last student forgot about his lesson so I got to leave early. I successfully took the bus back to the train station with the help of my 16 yr old Ola. and I made it just in time for the 6:30 shuttle back to Kolobrzeg. On the way back, I was so full of peace and happiness. It sounds cliche but I had such good conversation with the three Ola’s and I was looking forward to next Thursday. I still am. But as I had time to reflect, my mind was brought back to my devotional this morning. The Remedy of Uncertainty. I will leave you with this devotional that started out my day of uncertainty:

“But He said to them, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.” – Matthew 8:26

“In Matthew 8, we are told of a terrible storm that rose quickly on the Sea of Galilee while Jesus and His disciples were in a boat, far from shore. The disciples were filled with fear. Sometimes, like Jesus’ disciples, we feel threatened by the storms of life. Sometimes we feel distant from God, and sometimes we may question His power or His plans. During these moments, when our hopes begin to fade and our fears begin to multiply, we must remember that God is not simply near, He is HERE. Are you being tested? If so, remember that God is always with you, always willing to calm the storms of life. When you sincerely seek His presence–and when you genuinely seek to establish a deeper, more meaningful relationship with His Son–God is prepared to touch your heart, CALM your fears, ANSWER your doubts, and RESTORE your hopes.”

And then it ended with this quote I fell in love with.

“Struggling with God over the issues of life doesn’t show a lack of faith–that is faith.” – Lee Strobel.

For me, this day started out filled with uncertainty but by the end, I truly realized that God is the remedy. He is the remedy of uncertainty.

My room where I teach in the apartment.

My nifty whiteboard!

Two bracelets I received from one of my first students after our lesson 🙂

This is honestly the song of my life right now.